They Stand With Us

I see you looking at me
Your face, expressionless
You don’t want to give away
What you feel
I’m truly a distraught mess
I’m in pain, in anguish
I’m going through my trials
In my head
Those like you don’t interfere
At least, usually
You know that I want you to
But you can’t
My anxieties are my own
My trials are all my own
My pain and fatigue are my own
All caused by what is wrong with this world
You will stand strong beside me
But cannot take this from me
Proud that I will keep fighting
I will heal

What I Want To Say to My Christian Family

Last week I helped to bury the patriarch of my extended family.  My Grandfather was a strong, noble, wonderful man who held together all of the extended families with his presence.  If he said ‘be here on this date’, all of his children, grandchildren and great-grandchildren would assemble, ready to do whatever it was he wanted.

His burial was a Catholic one, and I once again found myself in the Catholic church of my upbringing.  The funeral home’s services also were Christian in nature as my Grandfather’s faith in the church was just as strong as he was.  Even the Knights of Columbus came to give their respects and held their own special service to commemorate his 50 years of service with them.

The tone of the funeral and it being populated with so many strong christian and Catholic overtones reminded me of one many years earlier, the funeral of my great-grandmother.   Weeks before my great-grandmother’s funeral, I had come out to my parents as being pagan.  At that time they didn’t say much about it, but instead chose to unleash their anger at me on the drive home from my great-grandmother’s funeral.  I remember that drive vividly, as it was filled with my mother’s tears and ranting.  Specifically aimed at me, my mother ranted about how my great-grandmother, also a devout Catholic, had shown such unwavering faith in her religion, and how dare I belittle her by not following suit with my own faith.

This recent funeral didn’t come with the same yelling, but it did come with a deep silence that felt like an uncrossable chasm between my family and I.  In the end, no one took notice of my half-hearted attempt at mumbling through the remembered prayers of my childhood. And the not going up to communion was still easily explained at the fact that I cannot eat wheat without getting violently sick.  That isn’t what I wanted though.  I would have much rather had a long conversation with them about what I believe and why, and how the values and morals that I carry in my heart are so much like their own, even though we do pray to different Gods.

I wanted so badly to explain to them that my desire to better myself and help others around me steers my life and is based in my beliefs, even though there is no bible that dictates it.  I wanted to tell them that they would be proud of me, because I don’t just speak of my beliefs on Sundays and on events like this, but instead I speak of my Gods on a daily basis, and am constantly in a state of communication with them, allowing them to guide my actions as they see fit.  I wanted very much for them to see that the faith that they yelled at me years ago for not having is there and is so much stronger than I ever thought it would be.

I wanted to say how much I pray; how often I give offerings, not only things like what is dictated by the Christian church, but yet I give so much more than that and included volunteering, prayers for the dead, prayers and blessings for those around me and actions to help this earth that we all live on.  How I wanted to explain that each of my offerings came directly from my heart and was because I felt it was needed, not dictated by Christian doctrine.

I wanted to say I didn’t need the bible to give me comfort in the loss of my Grandfather. I wanted to explain to them that I knew he was home, and that no bible was needed to explain that to me.  And most importantly, I wanted to say I knew that someday we would all see him again, regardless of what we believed, how ‘good’ we were at ‘repenting’, or what religion we claimed to be.

In the end, I didn’t say those things.  I’ve given up on the idea that my parents or my sisters would understand me.  Instead, my family is more comforted in their beliefs that  I am an atheist, because this ‘pagan’ ideal is much to hard for them to understand.

So the silence still remains.  And I grieve the loss of my Grandfather alone.  I have learned to leave the silence in place, as every time I have tried to cross that uncomfortable quiet I am struck down.  I am silenced by them again and again because my beliefs do not come from a book, nor do my beliefs need someone else to validate them for me.

In the end, I am stronger for what I believe, and I know this.  But it doesn’t stop me from wishing for that one day to come when I can talk to them and help them understand.  But I guess that will just have to wait for the time when we are all on the other side of the veil.

A Story About A Choice

I want to tell a story about something that happened to me today.  this event was very profound, as nothing like this had ever happened, especially when I was at work.

I am lucky to work for a company that has a mile nature trail on its campus.  Many associates take advantage of this trail.  Some do it for the exercise, or just to take a break from the daily grind.  I do it for that, but I also realize that there are a significant number of spirits in the woods and in the stream near the trails.  So i frequently also send a mental ‘shout out’ to them as I walk by.  There have also been many times that I have had conversations with the ones that choose to speak to me, and from those conversations, I’ve learned a lot about the path that I am currently on.

Today however, things were very different.  I took the path at a fast clip, as there was another associate who was also walking, and my introverted self didn’t really want to walk near the associate and try to facilitate small talk.  He, recognizing that I had much longer legs than he did and was walking much faster, allowed me to pass, and off I went into the first leg of the wooded part of the trail.

And I immediately spotted a large brown and white feather right in the middle of the trail.

Without thinking, I scooped the feather up mid-stride, and never broke my pace.  The feather reminded me of one of a red tailed hawk, a predatory bird that is frequently seen where I live.  However I knew that it was not.  It also seemed beaten up, much like if the bird had lost it in a fight.  I knew that my seeing the feather was a sign of something, as there is very rarely any feathers on this trail that I walk on a frequent basis.

That’s why the second feather was so surprising when I saw it.

This one was all black, like it had come from a blackbird, raven or crow.  Again, all three have been seen around the area, so I really had no way of knowing.  However, this one, unlike the brown and white one, was perfectly formed and surprisingly longer than most.

When I first saw the feather, I walked by it.  After the third step I felt like I had to turn around and get it, to which I did.  The associate I passed was still in range, and watched me walk back to get the second feather.  I quickly took up my fast pace in order to not have any questions asked of me, and overtook a second group of associates walking the trail to get some distance.

As I was carrying the feathers, I took a trail not rarely used (it was full of mud – I didn’t care) in order to double back and make sure a proper ‘thank you’ was said for the feathers.  As I said, they are very rare on these trails, so I had thought that I was very fortunate to find two on the same day, not 20 feet from each other.

When I doubled back, I found that I was the last associate to utilize the trails for that lunch hour.  So I had it all to myself.  And after a proper ‘thank you’, I was off.

As I continued to the farthest part of the trail, I realized that these feathers were more significant than I had originally thought.  While I wasn’t told specifically what each feather meant, I was told that one of the feathers would have to go back to the trail, and with it, a choice was to be made in my spiritual practices.

The beat up one seemed to symbolize my past.  It symbolized the abuse, it symbolized how hard I had pushed through to heal from everything, but it also symbolized all of the strength that I had gained and the spiritual allies that came to my aid.  At least that is what I sort of ‘assumed’.  I was never able to get a straight answer.

The black feather I think symbolized the unknown.  And from it I could sense that there was a hint of a gateway to transform into something that I was not yet able to become.  In the metaphysical sense, I could tell this feather contained no darkness, but yet it contained no light.  The only thing that I could truly comprehend from the energy was that it contained the beginnings of something new.

At this point I was coming to the second trail, which has a bridge over a fast flowing stream.  I was told that I could not keep both feathers; that one had to be dropped into that stream.  And if I chose not to drop one of the feathers, there would be some sort of consequence that I would be choosing to face.

Now I was still at work, and even though I am allowed to take a longer lunch hour, I knew I had to get back to my desk as I was expected for meetings.  It was only within a matter of moments that I was going to get to the bridge and cross it.  And even though it was a short distance, I was surprised at how much dread, pain and longing I felt.  Even though the meanings of the feathers were never truly clear, I knew they had some significant importance, and I didn’t have any time to study or understand that importance.

So onto the bridge I went, and as requested, one of the feathers went into the water.  I watched as it spiraled down and the current carried it under the bridge and down the stream.  For a moment, I thought about going down and trying to grab it as I saw it head toward the bank, but thought better of it.  Instead, I quickly walked away before I could see if it would get stuck.

The second feather now sits on my desk, next to a feather I had found on another walk, and three stones I used for focus and meditation during the day.  the feather sits in the middle of the three stones, much like a small altar in between my two monitors.

I am unsure of all of the intricacies of what it is I have chosen.  All I know and believe is that I have chosen to step away from that which I know and into the unknowns of a new path, one that will hopefully lead me to becoming someone who knows myself well, and can utilize what I know I am for the good of myself and those around me.

 

 

 

Asking for Forgiveness

I reconnected with an old boyfriend on Facebook a couple weeks ago.  This is a guy I dated about 20 years ago.  Normally, I wouldn’t do that, but for this particular relationship, it meant something for me to reconnect to him.

Anyways, 20 years pass, and he goes his own way,  different than I expected him to take.  But it was his way, and that is all that matters.  Now, although he has had significant struggles, he’s much wiser, much stronger and more sure of himself than I have ever seen him to be.

He messaged me today to thank me for introducing him to paganism.  I said he was welcome, and then I apologized to him.

I apologized to him because I recognized that even though I was established in my local pagan community at the time, I was still very much a child and didn’t know what I was really doing on an emotional level.

I apologized to him because of things that I now know are hurts I was dealt as a child were things that were significantly clouding my judgement.

I apologized to him for any hurt that I caused him while we were together, because of my childish nature, and because I just didn’t know any better.

I am thankful for his response.  It was, “Forgiven, forgotten, friendship extends it’s hand once again.  We both had to grow a bit more.”

One down.  Maybe a significant number of people more to go.

I didn’t  recognize until about 14 years ago that my actions and reactions had anything to do with the fact that I had suffered abuses as a child, that I had not been fully safe and allowed to grow up, or that my view of the world was significantly skewed.  And I also didn’t recognize that the skewed views I had affected me from a spiritual perspective.

Don’t get me wrong, I learned a lot about Wicca and was (and still am) pretty proud of what I had accomplished.  I still formed and ran my own coven for awhile, until I recognized that it was time for me to let it fly on its own.  I still helped to develop a pagan study group at a local college. And I still published a pagan article  here and there.  And I am proud of the work that I accomplished despite my emotional shortcomings.

I however, know there was collateral damage along the way.  I damaged friendships, I acted in ways that I didn’t fully understand.  And even though there was no malice, it caused hard feelings.

Looking back, I can’t even begin to start figuring out each and every individual action.  I can’t begin to understand who it was that I hurt, when I hurt them, how many people I hurt, or how many times.  But it is important for me to acknowledge what has been done.

I don’t believe that the actions and reactions from that time fully under my control, so while I did the action, much of it was not purposeful.  I was pretty damaged, and I fully admit that.  And today, I still have some more of that damage to heal from.  But as situations come up, like with my ex, I will do my best to understand, accept, apologize, heal and move on.

The Peeling of the Onion

Anyone who has ever cooked in their life has (most likely) peeled and cut an onion.  And if they are like me and don’t cook that much, they’ve peeled some pretty old onions.  You know the type I’m talking about.  It’s the, ‘It’s-my-time-to-make-dinner-and-oh-crap-the-only-onion-we-have-is growing’ type.  You don’t want to go run out to the store and buy new onions.  So you make due, and cut into it, and recognize very quickly that it is an onion..

a very STRONG SMELLING onion.  And there are lots of nasty bits in the onion.  But you peel back the layers anyway, eyes watering, feeling like you are going to sneeze any moment, and get out of it what you can.

This week, my spiritual work has been a lot like that onion.  It isn’t because I neglected it.  Nor did I forget about it.  But instead, being on the hot seat was key for me to find the damn onion in the first place.  And even then all it did was provide the road map to where the onion was at; it didn’t even present me the onion to start my work.

But once you have found it, I think the harder work begins.  What are the layers?  Are they had habits that you are recognizing are causing more harm than good?  Are they things you have to heal from?  Or in my case, are they realizations about your life that you have been trying to deal with for years, and are just now able to acknowledge with words?

Each issue is a layer of that onion.  For me, the layers sort of look like this –
– I was never allowed to have any opinions of my own growing up (Peel it back)
– I was forced to conform to the way my family thought and felt (peel…)
– I had roles I had to conform to – Mary’s daughter, Margaret’s granddaughter, A member of THE Christian extended family known well in the area I lived, the sisters who sing so well together…(peel, peel and more peeling…)
– I never felt safe having my own opinion (peel…)
– Because I never felt safe, I never learned to voice those opinions (peel…)
– At forty years old I’m finally learning what it feels like to put words together to say how I really feel (peel)..

Every one of those realizations pull more off of your own identity and who you think you really are.  Your fears are realized to the point where they can start falling away on their own.  Your roles are identified and cataloged in order to determine whether or not they are still needed.  You realize your shortcomings, and your strengths.

By the end, there is nothing left but you.  And you feel more naked than you have ever felt in your life.  You have no shields, nothing to protect you, and that thought is liberating and downright scary all at the same time.

I feel like in some ways I have nothing left.  I am broken down, only to be built back up.  That building back up process cannot come fast enough for me, but I know it is not going to be very fast at all.  I need to understand these layers.  I need to understand why they are there, to grieve and heal, to get angry and to fully let go of what it is I don’t need anymore.  But then comes the biggest fear – the fear of failing, not learning what you need and having to do this all over again.

I supposed in a way it’s my very own spring cleaning.   But where I would usually work like heck to get it over with, this time I am going at the speed of my Gods.

I’d say let the examination begin, but it already has.  I’d say hopefully I won’t cry at this onion this time, but that already happened as well.  And it was all meant to be that way.

Don’t ever let anyone tell you that when you reach for your Gods and want their attention that it is an easy process.  They will accept your service, and they will pull you apart, layer by layer, in order to make you into a truer image of yourself.

If you chose this, I pray your onion doesn’t stink as much as mine.

Photo from deviant art

Finding Pagan Music

One of the things that I have noticed over the years is that Pagan music seems to be hard to find.  However, there are many artists out there whose music has pagan overtones, and with ITunes, Amazon’s music service and many other music services out there, new and old music is finding its way back into rituals, prayer work, and just to listen to when you need some extra energy.

Here is a list of artists you might not have heard of, or perhaps had never thought about  in a pagan light before.

 

Serpentine (Serpentine Arborvitae) – Rock the Goddess

I found this album in the late 90’s.  The song “Rock the Goddess” was I think her best work.  I have also found many of the other songs on the album to be compelling, although they have a significantly different feel to them.  Her music is what I put on when I want to feel inspired and powerful.  .

I was happy to find out that this was only one of the many albums produced by Serpentine.  Many more songs are available on ITunes.  I’m still finding new gems for my collection as I go through them.

 

Gypsy – Enchantress

This album is much older.  I remember listening to it in 1992-3.  I had it on cassette back then, but in 2001 it was put onto ITunes.  I think this album has a solid place in pagan music, just for the fact that it was groundbreaking – no one had published anything like it before.  Gypsy’s music is soothing, but I find I can only listen to it so long.  Then it goes away in my collection to be pulled out another time.

 

Emerald Rose

This is a traditional Celtic group that has written a lot of pagan themed music.  One of my favorites is ‘Never Underestimate (A woman with the Goddess in her Eyes)’.  I love their music around this time of the year – it feels like their music just screams springtime and growth.

 

Inkubus Sukkubus

While I love Emerald Rose in the spring, I ADORE listening to Inkubus Sukkubus in the fall.  Their songs scream Pagan, Magick, Power and all things Gothic.  This is the type of music that I use when I’m having just too much mundanity in a day.  There have been many times that I would get in my Jeep and just blast this music for a bit of a ‘change in the scenery’ so to speak.  They have many albums with many different and hauntingly beautiful songs on them, and I think there is something for everyone here.

 

Todd Alan

This is another singer that I think has a significant place in Pagan music.  I still on occasion listen to some of his music, and every time I do, I feel the power in his words.  That is one thing that Todd is very good at doing – his songs engage you in a way that fills your spirit with song.

 

Type O Negative – October Rust

This was my favorite album from this band, and the one that started getting them some big attention in the rock music scene.  It’s actually a lot softer than their other albums, and contains two songs with significant pagan influence – ‘Be my Druidess’, which is about the Great Rite in Wiccan Tradition, and ‘Green Man’.  Unfortunately this is a band that burned out pretty quickly for many reasons, the biggest of which being Peter Steele, the Band’s lead singer and bass player, died of a heart attack six years ago.

 

Halestorm – Into the Wild Life

I just started getting into this group.  The first song I heard of theirs was ‘I am the Fire’ off their new album ‘Into the Wild Life’.  As I was already working with Loki significantly when I heard it, it’s no wonder this song grabbed me.  Since then I’ve explored more of their new album and found songs full of empowerment.  These are what I listen to when I’m on a run and don’t think I can give anymore – I let the energy of the music just flow into me and it always helps to carry me over the finish line.  I also find that one of Halestorm’s songs pop up when I’m just feeling down, depressed about something, or are just getting too fixated on a mundane issue in my life.  It’s sorta like Loki is poking at me saying ‘hey, there is more to life than this’, and I sincerely appreciate the poke.

 

Disturbed – Immortalized

This is another recent album.  And while the band doesn’t have directly pagan undertones in their music (well, they might on older albums, I just became aware of this band recently), I have found Songs like ‘The Light’ and ‘The Vengeful One’ and ‘The Brave and the Bold’ off of their album Immortalized fit a pagan tone quite nicely.  Again, these are songs I listen to for empowerment, something I don’t think we get enough of in this day and age.

Another note about this album, the song ‘Who Taught You How to Hate’ seems to fit in with the current US Presidential race very well.

 

For Ritual music, I am a fan of R. Carlos Nakai’s gorgeous flute music.  I also have songs by artists Gandalf, Deuter, George Winston and David Lanz in my ritual playlist.  These I find work well for meditation too.

Finally, I highly recommend an album called “The Prayer Cycle” by Jonathan Elias.  This is a nine part choral symphony in 12 languages.  Each movement in itself is a prayer that is powerful, strong and yet beautifully delicate in its composition.  There have been many times the album has moved me to tears with its beauty and intricacy.  If ever you feel you have lost hope, this gorgeous symphony might help to bring that back to you.

So that’s what I’m listening to right now.  I’m certain there is much more out there.  I’d love to hear what other music people are listening to as well.

Being Uncomfortable

As I said before, 2016 is a year of work, but I was silly to think that it only meant spiritual issues would be worked out.  Many things have been moving forward at my job and home life as well.  As we are getting closer to planting time, my gardens have needed protection from our 8 month old German Shepherd, which meant putting up new fencing.  My work’s fiscal year end is March 30, so there are many projects that need help to wrap up before then.  And I unfortunately have a hand made of helium sometimes.  Also as it is getting to spring, my mind has turned to significant cleaning efforts in my house (having cats plus one big puppy makes for horribly dirty carpets).  And last but not least, the fibromyalgia I have means I have to pace myself and sometimes rest instead of doing something I want to get finished.

Keeping all of this moving has taken a lot of effort.  And it has also made me uncomfortable.  And that is a very good thing.

Being uncomfortable while doing these tasks has meant that I have been pushed to the limit of my comfort zone.  It means I am putting in extra effort, and because it is so uncomfortable for me, I am more mindful of the task at hand.   I am learning new things, and accomplishing things that I didn’t think I could.

In the past weeks, I have also found that I am uncomfortable because of mental issues.  Before the fibromyalgia hit me, I would push myself for hours to ensure I would get every task I had set for myself done in the time I allotted for it.  Now, I find I consistently have to change my plans because of my pain levels.  Yes, I might get to cleaning my office after work, but instead I might have to just sit on the couch and leave the office for another day.  I have to accept that sometimes, no matter how uncomfortable it makes me feel.  In that case, I take the feeling of being  uncomfortable as a sign that I must change my thought and belief about what I can do.  Perhaps I am still pushing myself too hard, and thus need to consider why I am doing that in the first place.

In many cases being uncomfortable means there is something that needs to change.  Perhaps it is a thought or belief, like the one I have about pushing to get things done.  But for some, that feeling of being uncomfortable might be about something that is just too hard for them to even consider, and thus causes anger.  Over the weekend I read about a blow up between two pagan bloggers, one being so upset about the others beliefs that some pretty horrible things were posted in anger.  The blogger has since apologized, however the words are now there in the internet eather, and I am certain there will be repercussions on both sides of the issue.  Perhaps instead of posting horrible statements, the blogger should have recognized that the humanistic beliefs of the other we’re not wrong, but instead had made her uncomfortable. But instead, because they did not fit into the worldview, the blogger became angry instead.    Perhaps the feeling of being uncomfortable was just too much to bear, I don’t know.  But in cases like this, the feeling of being uncomfortable could be a clear sign of holding onto a belief too rigidly.

Life is meant to be lived.  And because of that, it will make us uncomfortable.  Physical, mental and spiritual accomplishments take effort.  They take consideration of other view points as well as study and contemplation.  As spring is starting, this is the perfect time for new endeavors.  Just don’t expect for those new endeavors to come easily.  The best things come to those who are willing to push themselves to be a little bit uncomfortable.
Photo by deviant art

Po-TAA-to, Po-tot-o… Is it time to stop caring about it yet?

I am beginning to think that there are many more pagan bloggers out there that are writing for the shock value than they are for the actual content.  Perhaps some of them are trying to make a splash in some form or fashion in order to get their voices heard, or perhaps some of them are just trying to put their own stamp on the shaping of any piece of the pagan community for the next generation.  No matter what they think they are doing, it seems the only result is in more arguments.

There are a couple posts out this week that have people up in arms.  I’m not going to even post them here, personally, I don’t think they deserve any more airtime.  In general I will say one of them talked about how certain God(s) of the Norse Pantheon don’t exist, and another one talked about how loyalty to one’s country is dead.  And there were a few others.  The only thing these posts did was to further solidify in my mind that all of these labels that we talk about in the pagan community are dividing us more than they are doing anything else.

So in response:

I believe in many different Gods.  I believe they exist differently to different people. They could be considered constructs of people’s imagination, but they also could be individual entities that exist on their own.  Or, they could be one source deity that decides to appear differently to others.

Overall does it really matter, so long as they provide comfort to people in some form or fashion, or  help people feel like they belong to something?   

I believe everything around us has it’s own energy.  That energy could be an existing entity or  spirit, or that energy could even be just from the mitochondria in each living cell.  And when that thing is deconstructed and made into something else, some of the energy stays with it, and thus the new thing has it’s own energy.

Does whether or not I’m an animist really matter if it works for me?

I believe that the historical texts of any religion are a great tool to start out with when you are trying to learn the morals of any one religion, but other than providing that starting point, perhaps they should not all be looked at as deeply as they are right now.  Too many people use them for crutches in their faith instead of looking within, and they are getting too caught up in the semantics.  Instead, perhaps simple conversations about what they feel is right and wrong is without someone pulling out a book might bring about more understanding than trying to figure it out from words written by humans with flaws.

Does that make me less of a religious person?

The answers to these questions are NO!  This stuff doesn’t really matter, and no it doesn’t make me any less religious!  And no one has a right to judge whether or not I am religious enough, if I follow too much UPG or if I’m too reconstructionist, or put any other label on me.  Period.

I have a right to my own beliefs, I have a right to express my beliefs, and I have a right to be heard.  I also have the responsibility to understand where someone else is coming from, and respectfully disagree when I disagree.  However, in this case, respectfully disagreeing is just going to mean I stop getting roped into the crap.  I don’t deserve to get angry when someone else tries to discredit others opinions on their blog.

No, I’m not taking the sensationalist, dramatic road here.  I’m taking the road that isn’t popular.  But perhaps if more people took the unpopular road we would have less discord in pagan communities.  This sensationalism and drama is only furthering anger, hurt and division.  And I for one am very tired of seeing it.

 

 

My continued Lokean Journey

Hail Loki
Stormbringer, God of Sight
Lord of fire
Bringer of the Dark
You who bring fluidity and Life, destruction and death
I hear your call
I have shown you my anguish and taken your oath
I shall dance in your fire as long as you will have me

 

Previously I posted about how I finally acknowledged that I felt like I was being called by Loki, and that I was scared as hell about it.  I wanted to share an update.

If you haven’t read the previous post, basically I finally acknowledged last year that he has been reaching out to me.  So, I took a temporary oath to him in order to better understand who exactly he is and why I was called.  Since then, I’ve been doing daily work with Loki.  That daily work has significantly changed my beliefs about him.  I recognize now that all I was doing was prolonging the inevitable; I am one of his devotees, and now I fully see why.

First, I’m not going to get into the rationale as to why Loki is not a ‘dark’ or ‘evil’ deity.  Plenty of people have done that and I don’t care to repeat the same arguments.  As it is, I’m certain that most people have made up their minds and that is that; they aren’t going to change it just because one more person tells them to.   But I will say that there is a significant uptick in people recognizing what a powerful and ancient deity he is regardless of his appearance in certain Marvel movies.  The knowledge of his multi-faceted purpose is making him more than just the passing fad.  (Oh, and if you ever want to truly divide a certain actor from his appearance as Loki, watch this, especially if you don’t like country music.  It will help you divide the two really well.  In fact I keep a copy of the video just to remind myself of the differences because Loki seems to love to pick on me about it.)

Loki is a true catalyst for change, something that needs to be recognized prior to starting  work with him.  When I started acknowledging him in my life, everything changed almost all at once.  That change made me search for stability, which I found within my own strength and self-worth.  I recognized that there were things that were going to be thrown at me that were not pleasant.  I also recognized that those things were going to be scary, they would make me angry and they would take me as far away from my comfort zone as I could possibly get.  But I also recognized that if I had enough faith in myself, my strength and in my abilities, I knew I could get through all of it.  I likened myself to a buoy bobbing in the water during a raging storm; rocked by the waves yet able to go over them consistently and as upright as I could possibly be.

With Loki, nothing is invisible.  In my previous post, I spoke about how he wasted no time bring up issues I had hidden deep within myself.  These things that were quickly brought to light were things that I had to deal with in order to move forward and become stronger.  Since then even more things has been brought up, especially issues that I had thought I had dealt with but not fully taken care of.  These issues ranged from being about my extended family to spirituality and religion, body image issues, sexuality and even abuse and triggers for that abuse that I had not dealt with.  Loki he pushed me to deal with each and every one of them.  Each time he did he was stern, but he always brought it up in ways I could understand and connect with.

I will note that these issues didn’t come up all at once.  I trust him to only give me what I can handle, and once I have dealt with something, he gives me something new to ponder.  In the end I recognize he helping me become a stronger, more authentic individual. Perhaps he has called me just for me to tell my story so that more people recognize him.  Or perhaps there are other reasons that he hasn’t told me.  Either way, I recognize that had he not pushed me to take a long, hard look in the mirror, I would not be as comfortable in my own body as I am today.  I would still be in many ways scared of my own thoughts and afraid to take action.  I would not be as strong as I am; I know it was me that did the work, but it was he that showed me how to do it.

I think should someone else be in the same situation that I was, the biggest thing that they will be surprised at is how multi-faceted he is.  Even now as I try to describe him I am grasping at words to explain how much he has done for me and what I have become in his honor.  He is my friend, my Lord, my confidant, my guide, my lover and much more.  I am his child, his babysitter, the straight woman to his comic, his lover, his underling, his aide and whatever else he thinks I can handle.

An excellent book on the subject is Dagulf Loptson’s “Playing with Fire: An Exploration of Loki Laufeyjarson”.  This book sums up about 95% of what I have come to understand what Loki is.  I also like his term for those worshiping Loki: a Lokean, and agree that the Rokkur term that seems to continue to float around is something that does not fit everything that Loki has shown himself to be.

It’s funny, now that I have all of that out in the open, I’m still nervous by it.  It’s the same fear as I had when I started talking about my medicine pipe a couple posts back.  There is such a stigma about Loki that even now I still have concerns about putting my oath out there to him as my fulltrui.   To me that is utterly hilarious and maddening at the same time.  It just goes to show you the power of labels I guess.

But now it’s out there.  This post is his work too.  He wants me to take responsibility; to publicly say I am his daughter, sister, lover and friend.  And I am proud to do just that.

Hail to Laufey’s son!

 

 

Above Image from Deviant Art.

And about Loki

 I thought my last post about the gifts would be enough of me opening myself up for the day.  Apparently not.  I guess it’s time for me to look into another area that scares the hell out of me, and that is starting to publicize the new (yet old) relationship I have with Loki.

Loki is a God that has scared the hell out of me for many years. Seriously.  I even refused to say his name out loud or even think his name in my head.  I was always afraid of invoking him by accident (oh, I heard my name called, I think I’m going to screw with you today!).

Don’t laugh, that’s what I really thought.

In my mind, a God like him didn’t make sense.  Why in the heck would anyone want to pray to a trickster God whose sole purpose is to screw with you? It felt like the energy he brought was something that was dark, and only something that should be handled in very low doses like it was radioactive.  Yeah, I fully understood back then that balance is key, and in my mind Loki was a necessary evil, but to fully revel in it as someone worshipping under Loki felt like it was very unbalanced.

Looking back, I realize now that there seemed to always be this ‘dance’ between him and I.  For crying out loud, he was considered a patron god of a coven that I was with for several years and learned a significant amount in.  I worked a great deal with laughter in gathering energy and in circle, and yet I just never saw the connection.  Or I ignored it.

Flash forward to the night I was kept up by him whispering things in my head.  With the mindset I had of fearing him, you can bet I was freaked out when that started to happen.  What would happen to my life? What would happen to the semblance of practice I had going for me at the time?  How badly was he going to uproot my existence?  I went into full panic mode.  Here was a God making himself known to me stronger than any Diety had ever done before, and it was the Trickster, known for pulling the rug out from under people in unexpected ways.

All of this course happened immediately after Marvel makes a new image of him by a hot actor.  It seemed like overnight, the term “Lokian” became mainstream pagan.  I understand there are people who  worship that aspect of  him.  But for me, I didn’t want to be associated with it.  In fact I’d rather be as far from it as possible, a fact that Loki as I know him finds largely amusing.  I just cannot wrap my brain around wanting to include a comic book aspect in my serious, religious practice, especially one that feels so biased.  To me it just screams fluffy-bunny, new age/wannabe rebel.  Even watching those movies now bothers the heck out of me (and is again something that amuses him to no end).

So after several drama filled days of deep thought, discussion with my husband and with some trusted friends, I have accepted working with Loki.  And immediately after my life did change, but for the better.

Now that I have gotten my history out of the way, I want to speak to what I feel he has done.  Loki is someone that makes you stare deep within yourself.  He puts a mirror up to your soul and forces you to see the things that which you do not want to see.  It doesn’t matter what aspect you are holding baggage in, he will force you to deal with it.  He already has taken me to task about many parts of my life that I held negativity in.  And if you are ready to let things go, the transformation is like a baptism of fire.

Loki  is serious and stern taskmaster.  He however does expect you to stand up to him when you feel things are going too far.  It all goes to the task of making you stronger and more willing to take care of yourself. In turn, his devotion to you can be just as strong.  He just is not the type to show it, or if he does, it is not in a way that is expected.

I have to admit my journey with him has just started, but I don’t want things any other way.  He has helped me to become comfortable in my own skin I think for the first time in my life.

The acceptance of the oath I have made is not permanent.  This whole thing is a trial, a stipulation I asked for when he first made himself known to me.  I cannot tell you that it will always work out so beautifully, but I can tell you that my whole opinion toward him has changed.  Now I will always be grateful that he has called me to dance with him through the fire, no matter how long this lasts.