Awakenings: The Day After

I’m currently in week three of the program called “The Artist’s Way”.  This is a very successful program that allows artists of any medium to remove the blocks stopping them from achieving their greatest potential.  The program has been around for over 20 years and is very effective.  There have been quite a few popular writers who credit the book with allowing them to write their first bestsellers.

The Artist’s Way is a book you must be ready for.  Several years ago when I first received the book as a gift, I quickly realized that going through the book was something that would take a lot of work.  I wasn’t ready to put in the time and energy to do so.  Therefore, the book went onto a shelf, forgotten, until I was reminded of it again by the person who gifted me the book in the first place.  She decided to go through the program again, and was excited at the results of the first several weeks.  Encouraged by her words, I decided to give it a try again.  And I’m glad I did, as the book has become the next logical step for me on my spiritual journey.

The first two weeks of the program deal with the baggage that we pick up and carry in our lives.  That baggage stops us from opening our creative and spiritual outlets.  This is Shadow Work at its deepest levels.  The book encourages you to go into those moments of baggage; the moments where you felt crushed, belittled and beaten down to the point where you decided that it wasn’t worth trying anymore.  Once there, you work through them by doing the exercises spelled out in the book to let them go.  The more you work with these moments, the more you open yourself up to the possibilities of reaching deeper creative potential.  (Or, in some circles, one would call it reaching the divine energy within each of us and allowing it to come to the surface in creative endeavors.)

Now that I’ve gotten through weeks one and two, I can see more opportunities for me to start writing, something I haven’t done since my childhood.  Poems have started to flow from my thoughts, and I’ve been inspired to start writing fictional work again.  I’m excited that I’ve reached this point.  It’s very much like the first initiation into a bigger world of opportunity and wonder.

Now, on week three, the author speaks to some of the synchronicity that can happen during this stage of the program.  If we truly have stuck with the exercises and gone deep, we have released some of the blocks to our creativity.  Now the path is clearing and we are open to new things to come into our lives and change us for the better.   The author speaks to possibilities of a class opening up, meeting the right person to mentor us, or any number of opportunities that can happen once we are opening ourselves back up.

I’ve been here before.  You and countless others have also been here before.  This is where the Gods/The Universe/whatever creative force you believe in starts paving the way for you to make permanent and lasting changes in your life.  You have been given the first bites of how a higher state of energy feels; an amuse-bouche of the clarity, wisdom and connection you will have.  Here is the opportunity to become more authentic to yourself and to grow in power and strength.  This is a beautiful and exciting place to be.  This is the flash of insight and surge of power we get after an initiation.  This is the “a-HA” moment of realization.  This is the decision that is finally made, the opportunity and resources that become available, or even the push of another door closing that forces you on the path you were meant to walk.

Everything is aligning the right way and it’s all there for the taking.  But are you ready?  Are you ready for the hard work that happens after the spiritual awakening or the initiation?  Sure, we have the moment of clarity, we feel altered, more in tune with the earth or with the Gods.  We feel the power within our hands, we see the path and opportunities open before us and we want to feel this way for the rest of our lives.  But these opportunities aren’t going to stay open without work.

Whenever we are trying to better ourselves in anything – school, career, personal life, physical changes to our bodies – everything we attempt to change pushes us to come to a point like this.  Any time we try to make ourselves better we first start to uncover the path, and now we need to change the daily habits to allow us to walk that path, one foot at a time.

So, how do you start to walk that path?  Perhaps we must radically change the way we eat, live, move or work to keep that moment of clarity in the forefront of our mind.  Perhaps we need to figure out the best way for us to get rid of habits, or take the time to meditate on why we have the habit in the first place.  Perhaps we need to learn to trust the new energy in our bodies more and not be as reactive to the negativity of others.

We can even have help to do these things.  Perhaps a new app, a new piece of jewelry or an affirmation posted to our bathroom mirror is enough to engage that spiritual energy within us, to remind us of the place we opened to and dared to go.  Maybe checking in with a mentor or teacher is a possibility.  If we feel like we need help on this journey, we will get what we need to stay on the path, as long as we choose to keep trying.

But keep trying we must.  Just because we ask for a crutch or additional aids doesn’t mean we are not relieved of our own work.  We can try getting up earlier all we want to do the meditations or prayers of gratitude.  But the alarm clock will only get us up if we stop hitting the snooze button.

And we must be vigilant with our changes.  Studies have shown that it takes a minimum of 21 days to get into a habit.  But drop that new habit, even for a day or two after those 21 days, and you may find yourself right back where you started.  No wonder most gyms in the United States get insanely busy in January, but die out in February.

The good news in this is that if we can’t make the change in habit or action, we will get another opportunity to do so.  Perhaps the class date will pass, perhaps the memory of the initiation falls away.  But another class will become available when you are ready.  The initiation energy and attunement is still there and still open, ready to be utilized.  If you have the will to keep trying, the opportunity will stay open.

Sometimes however the opportunity takes time to present itself again. I was reminded of “The Artists’ Way” about five years after I was first gifted the book.  I’m very glad I picked it up this time around.  And next time I hope I don’t have to wait another five years for the opportunity.

 

 

Photo from Deviant Art

Sometimes

Sometimes you hurt so much you cry
But that is the least of what it can do
Instead you push on, through the daily lie
Until you yourself don’t know if it’s true

Sometimes you are so tired you could scream
Simple tasks become unachievable feats
No longer can you do what you dream
A couch and bed now your only domain

Sometimes you get mad enough to push through
Pick up the sword, it’s time to go fight
Overcome the challenge, and create ones anew
Don’t expect anything to be easy

Sometimes you don’t dare speak the truth
Pain?  So what??  I have my own!
You are no different, we are all robbed of youth
You can’t prove you are any worse off

Sometimes I wish for better care
That one magic pill that would set me free
Instead, oil salesmen sell their wares
Sure!  I can help!  For a huge fee

Sometimes I hope and dare to do more
A full-time job, exercise and activity
Fake it till you make it, just one more chore
Push through till it hurts just to breathe

Sometimes I dream for more activity
Close friends, girls nights out, parties and shopping
Instead I get shut down aggressively
How dare you make plans in your condition??

Sometimes I still dare for more
Sometimes I’ll keep trying
Sometimes I get it
Sometimes

New Poem: Originality

Originality

I look around, at this world that’s yet so unknown

A frightened child, horrified at things that have been done

I don’t know why it hurts so much, I’m tired of this pain

All I wanted was to belong, to fit in once again

 

Symbols earned, vows spoken, the blood of ancestry

All tied together, yet don’t quench the ache in me

I fought so hard to get here, for my authenticity

Yet now that I’ve achieved it, I don’t know who to be

 

Hurt rolls inside me, spilling from my eyes

Yet no way to quench the pain, none I recognize

Why do they all turn away from what I have become

Because parts of me are different, I’m whole but not just one

 

Yet still I try to find that place where I fit in

Knowing deep in my heart it will never be again

I wonder why I pushed myself, why I did all this work

When there is no one around who knows what I’m truly worth

 

So now I go forth mindlessly, in this world of pain

Watching how I interact, learning to understand again

Everything is so difficult, everything’s so new

Unsure of where to go, I simply push through.

 

 

Photo from Deviant Art

Shifting and Shedding Skin

I lost my title of “Documentation Subject Matter Expert” at my place of employment a couple of weeks ago.  The title and duties were a holdover from the previous position that I held in the company, but I still did them.  But because I have been at my current position outside that department for several years now, it was time to let those duties go.  However, when I did, I was surprised to find a sense of loss.

It was cool to be a Subject Matter Expert, but there was a lot that went with the job.  On a monthly basis I had to teach classes on documentation.  I also was ‘on call’ when I was ever at work to deal with questions and issues.  This meant that the role regularly bit into my time to do my current job duties.  And unfortunately, it just got to be too much.

The whole thing reminded me of a hard lesson that I feel like I’m still learning.  This particular lesson started for me once I got back into the pagan community on a more active basis.  I have a lot I can offer people, so I wanted to jump right back into a role of teacher or priestess pretty quickly. But it never really developed for me to do so, and I found that very frustrating.

I came to realize that while I had a lot of experience, knew how to steer and work with a group (and had done so many years previously), doing those things weren’t a good ‘fit’ for me anymore.  I had committed to too many things that I needed to take on for myself.  So adding teaching a study group or even having an individual student was something that I just didn’t have time for anymore.  Don’t get me wrong, I still feel I am an elder, and I absolutely help people on their paths by my intuitive readings, but I’m not the one who leads the entire group.  At least not right now.

The realization of this is something that was akin to my losing my work title, but it hurt a lot more.  I am very proud that my previous forays into pagan communities had consisted of my being the one writing the rituals and the lessons for the coven to follow.  I led the cones of power, the chanting and spell casting.  But those things weren’t my calling anymore.

Looking back, so many of my previous posts on this blog have dealt with roles and titles, how they fit and don’t fit, what they actually represent, and the work that you take on should you accept one.  Perhaps were so many posts on this because  I was still trying to find where I fit in.  But in order to figure out where I fit in, I needed to understand what those roles and titles meant as well as let go of my assumption of jumping right back into a place where I was previously.

In other words, it was finally time to shed my old titles and roles so that I could grow into new ones.  Just like the Pagan community as a whole has evolved and become so much bigger than what it was.

I don’t think I’m alone in assumptions about roles and titles. I think that there are frequent assumptions made by newer pagans as well as us ‘old-timers’ at roles that we think or expect we need to be in that actually aren’t true.  I’ve met many people who automatically assume that they are meant for a specific role in the pagan community only to find that they were mistaken. And now, years later, they have found something that better suits who they are as a person.  I guess it was time for me to do the same.

I am not really sure if there is a name or label for what it is I do; there are so many facets to it now that I think only the label “elder” would encompass them, but that title in itself is very generic.  Perhaps that is a good thing.  And perhaps I need to consider not even looking for a specific role or title anymore.  Maybe I just need to be me, focus on that which I need to focus on for myself, and let things move forward as they may.

And speaking of shedding, I have updated my ‘about me’ page to better reflect who I am and what I feel I do.  I think it fits very nicely now.

 

I Won’t Give Up Hope

 

Many times when I visit her, my mother likes to start ranting about her feelings about politics and the generations of people after her own.  She is of the baby boomer generation, and, of course, is also a child of two of members of greatest generation (those who endured World War II).

Some of her most repeated gripes include the level of stamina between generations.  She feels the greatest generation was the strongest generation we ever had; in work ethics, in principals and in morality.  Her generation, she believes is strong as well, but not as strong as her parents.

And then, there are the Gen-Xers, the millennials and the other generations that followed. In her mind, we all have significant weaknesses, specifically when it comes to ethics and when we need to put in a hard day’s work.  She gets mad when I speak about the work that my husband and I do, how we don’t depend on anyone else but ourselves and haven’t for a very long time.  She also gets very mad when I talk about how there are a lot of very good people in this world – my age and younger – that happen to work harder and longer than I ever would.  Some of these people have done significant things to change the world.

My father tries to chime in too; but only to throw a more judgmental spin on things.  He believes everyone from California are just too liberal for their own good, and that there is such a thing called reverse racism.

My parents are role models to me, but not for the reason you think.  They are role models for me to learn what NOT to become.  But thanks to this election, I almost got there anyway.

All the way through the primary, I was one of those people who were posting about how one candidate is bad for the country.  I was posting about the concerns of racism, the bigotry, the narcissism, and on and on.  I became polarized on this candidate and his supporters.  I focused on how horrible things would be if this person was elected, and expected everyone else to see what it was that I saw.

This polarization made me miss something else entirely.  I missed the fact that people are scared.  They are genuinely afraid of how things were going, afraid of the change that the past 8 years has brought, and fueled by that fear, they came out in mass to vote.

Now yes, many people are going to pour over the data of this past election for years to come, many much smarter than I, and give other reasons why my candidate didn’t win.  But no matter what they say, however many years from now, they won’t remember the underlying fear that was carried in the hearts of Americans through this entire process.  They won’t remember the media that fueled that fear, the memes on Facebook and other social media.  The polarization, the ‘what ifs’, and everything else that went along with it.

Now I see one way my parents could get so carried away into their judgement and hate.  And now I’m doubly determined not to do the same.

I’m going to make more changes now so that I don’t become polarized again.  I’m putting filters in place on my social media sites, and am going to strictly limit my news intake from now on.  I’m going to do my best to check all sources as I go.  And most of all, I’m going to try to remember that we are all human first.

I’m not going to give up hope that people can still be helped, love can still win, and that we are all striving to be better.

I’m not going to give up hope that we are all doing the best we have with what we are given.

And I’m not going to give up hope on my country.

Don’t get me wrong, when I see bullying or actions against others I’m still going to call it out.  That is my duty now more than ever.  I still have to do what I feel is right.  But now, I have to consider other actions.  Those actions might be donating what I can to more organizations, volunteering my time, saying prayers, doing ritual and just doing more to carefully consider someone else’s opinion.

Now more than ever, we need to unite with each other, our community and try to step forward as a whole.

Photo from Deviant Art

When the Spiritual Obstacles get Real

darkness_by_alexkatana.jpg

I have been away from my blog for the past two weeks, but it wasn’t because I wanted to be.  Instead, I got hit by the current round of the flu.  And this wasn’t just any flu.  This was the ‘not-keeping-anything-down-or-up-my-head-is-going-to-explode-wow-does-this-hurt’ flu.

I’m lucky in that the seasonal stuff rarely puts me down.  The last round of the flu I was hit with was years ago.  But when I do get hit with it, I go down hard.  Even now, two weeks after the initial onset, I’m still not fully back to what I think of as my ‘normal’ physical state.

Now I’ve realized however, that it wasn’t totally the flu that put me down for that long. I mean yes, I did have a virus that I had to get out of my body.  But the recovery time is taking a lot longer because of things that I am doing, or not doing.  In short, I’m not treating myself very well.

Because I’m still trying to cope with my limited amount of activity, my diet has gotten to the point where comfort food is almost always at the top of my choices (and goes without saying that the comfort food of my choosing is always the fat or sugar laden kind).  I’m still trying to do more than my body can handle as my current exercise levels do not take into account the significantly changing Michigan weather, nor do they always take into account the fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue.   I’m still not giving myself the significant rest that I need in order to fully recuperate from races and other activities that I push myself to do.   And last but not least, it’s become painfully obvious that I am dealing with another food intolerance that I have yet to figure out what to do about.

One of the biggest obstacles that come up for my clients when doing intuitive readings, or even just in discussion in pagan circles is the fact that we regularly are forced to be face to face with those things that shake us up.  These are things that come up again and again, even though we try to ignore them.  Or perhaps we try to push them away, thinking that we just ‘don’t have time’ to work on them right now.  We don’t even realize we are pushing them away because we don’t want to work on them.  Instead, we rationalize why it’s not a big deal to push it away just a little longer because you have more important things to deal with at the time.

As pagans, one of the biggest things we hear from others is that in order to grow, we must look into that which we are afraid of and overcome those things to the best of our ability.  It’s so common to hear now that it’s joked about a lot, especially when new people come and ask to learn, unaware of what they are truly getting themselves into.  So we go about our day, expecting these hard obstacles to be metaphysical.  Perhaps the challenge from the Gods will be to do a journey, perhaps to learn to build a ritual, or work with a divinatory tool.  No one ever expects the challenge to be something as mundane as dealing with your own shortcomings and weaknesses as a human being.

The Gods want us to look at all facets of our life.  And why wouldn’t they?  To overcome obstacles in every aspect in your life makes you a better tool for the Gods.  It allows you to better hear them and be able to more easily discern what it is that you think you hear vs what you want to hear.  Someone who works on all facets of their lives become more able to raise the energies of those around them.   You become more powerful just by recognizing the shortcoming in the first place and learning to find ways around it when you can.

Most of the time, those challenges and shortcomings that we have in other facets of our lives are HARD.  They are the ones that we try to hide from the most, because they tie to issues so very deep within us that it shakes our foundations to deal with them.  These aren’t the issues that take a week or two to fix.  These are issues that take years to tackle and deal with.  The Gods know this, and don’t expect a quick fix.  This isn’t going to be something a single spell is going to fix.  No one is going to be able to tell you what to do, and no one will take the burden from you.

This is when the spiritual obstacles become real.  This is when you will truly test your strength and your resolve.  Will you fall?  Absolutely.  I know I have.  Will you ever fully win?  Maybe not in this lifetime, but that isn’t the reason for the obstacle in the first place.  This is when you finally have the chance to prove everything that you have vowed to your Gods in the first place.  Do you truly believe you have the strength to overcome obstacles?  Do you truly love yourself and recognize that you are worthy?  Do you practice what you preach to others about tolerance and respect for others?

And the question that arises for me right now – Can I take care of myself just as much as I tell my clients to, and do I accept myself as I truly am in this life, or is all of it lip service?

I’m going to chew on that one for a while as I start making plans for an elimination diet and re-configuring my exercise and rest schedule….

Photo from Deviant Art

Being Uncomfortable

As I said before, 2016 is a year of work, but I was silly to think that it only meant spiritual issues would be worked out.  Many things have been moving forward at my job and home life as well.  As we are getting closer to planting time, my gardens have needed protection from our 8 month old German Shepherd, which meant putting up new fencing.  My work’s fiscal year end is March 30, so there are many projects that need help to wrap up before then.  And I unfortunately have a hand made of helium sometimes.  Also as it is getting to spring, my mind has turned to significant cleaning efforts in my house (having cats plus one big puppy makes for horribly dirty carpets).  And last but not least, the fibromyalgia I have means I have to pace myself and sometimes rest instead of doing something I want to get finished.

Keeping all of this moving has taken a lot of effort.  And it has also made me uncomfortable.  And that is a very good thing.

Being uncomfortable while doing these tasks has meant that I have been pushed to the limit of my comfort zone.  It means I am putting in extra effort, and because it is so uncomfortable for me, I am more mindful of the task at hand.   I am learning new things, and accomplishing things that I didn’t think I could.

In the past weeks, I have also found that I am uncomfortable because of mental issues.  Before the fibromyalgia hit me, I would push myself for hours to ensure I would get every task I had set for myself done in the time I allotted for it.  Now, I find I consistently have to change my plans because of my pain levels.  Yes, I might get to cleaning my office after work, but instead I might have to just sit on the couch and leave the office for another day.  I have to accept that sometimes, no matter how uncomfortable it makes me feel.  In that case, I take the feeling of being  uncomfortable as a sign that I must change my thought and belief about what I can do.  Perhaps I am still pushing myself too hard, and thus need to consider why I am doing that in the first place.

In many cases being uncomfortable means there is something that needs to change.  Perhaps it is a thought or belief, like the one I have about pushing to get things done.  But for some, that feeling of being uncomfortable might be about something that is just too hard for them to even consider, and thus causes anger.  Over the weekend I read about a blow up between two pagan bloggers, one being so upset about the others beliefs that some pretty horrible things were posted in anger.  The blogger has since apologized, however the words are now there in the internet eather, and I am certain there will be repercussions on both sides of the issue.  Perhaps instead of posting horrible statements, the blogger should have recognized that the humanistic beliefs of the other we’re not wrong, but instead had made her uncomfortable. But instead, because they did not fit into the worldview, the blogger became angry instead.    Perhaps the feeling of being uncomfortable was just too much to bear, I don’t know.  But in cases like this, the feeling of being uncomfortable could be a clear sign of holding onto a belief too rigidly.

Life is meant to be lived.  And because of that, it will make us uncomfortable.  Physical, mental and spiritual accomplishments take effort.  They take consideration of other view points as well as study and contemplation.  As spring is starting, this is the perfect time for new endeavors.  Just don’t expect for those new endeavors to come easily.  The best things come to those who are willing to push themselves to be a little bit uncomfortable.
Photo by deviant art