Connection To The Wolf

Perhaps it’s still made up in my mind
Perhaps it is still a game
The heart and soul of a wolf inside
My piece of burning hell flame

Playing with clothes, weapons, and titles
Superficial station claim
Meaningless oaths, spoken to the flames
Played for adoration aim

My own gameplay was not convincing
Pomp and circumstance aren’t me
I cannot be disingenuine
Taken oaths were true to me

My oaths meant kindling for that fire
So I let the flame transform
Because I paid the entrance prices
The seed cracked, open to the storm

As it happens in the turns of life
My transformation was real
The heart of the wolf beats with my own
Oath and code, spirit keeps sealed

Courage, enough to stand in battle
Strength, seeing the fighting through
Loyalty to Gods, family, oathbound
Integrity, my spirit, be true

Honor to give, live by and receive
Kindness for all, no exclusion
Discipline, may the right path pursue
Perseverance for completion

I know these truths I found in the pack
I follow this code daily
The scars of the wolf still stain my skin
The code my authenticity

Proud am I, to have crossed my swords
With those whom I call brother
My battle now is more serious
Fighting pain my endeavor

I will not forget what I have done
Even with the pain of loss
I won’t continue the way it was
The lone wolf, forever lost

But even without the pack support
By sword and blood, sister am I
Burned in hell, badges worn with honor
I am transformed from the fire

No one can tell me what I am not
I begin to understand
Ironwolf am I, forever will be
Sworn by will and strength to stand

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Pain

I awaken in the morning
Try not to move
Or else the pain will start

Finally move, stumble forward
Grimace faced
Pain awakens again

I drive to work and greet the sun
Spasms start now
The pain continues on

I stand up from my desk again
Stop a moment
The spike of pain settles

I continue the work facade
Typing hurts
The pain keeps me company

Day done, I walk out to my Jeep
Pretend I’m fine
Pain in my arms and body

I share my plight with others
Oh, like I have!
NOT. THE. SAME. New pain starts now

I try to claim my old strength
I do too much
The pain makes me bedridden

Another activity missed
I watch them leave
The pain wins again with tears

I think about what I have lost
Black belts, friends, strength
The damned pain continues on

Never understanding, why me
No one asks now
A new pain hurts my heart

Damned if I do, damned if I don’t
I just cannot win
The pain continues its waves

No one understands why I fight
Battles won, battles lost
Pain, my constant companion

I am in my own special war
Must fight, or die
The pain never gives up

Still, I scheme and plot for more
Wanting life back
But the pain never lets go

A Response to the Hate Seen Today

Warning – language & descriptions of violence

This is not how I wanted to spend my Friday at work.  I didn’t want to sit here forcing myself to stay calm while inside I was walking a fine line between being so fucking angry I want to punch holes in my office walls and wanting to hug every non-Christian that I work with.

But that is what I am right now.  And I don’t think those feelings are going to go away anytime soon, so I have to find a place to put them.

So I’m writing.

Despite my background in sword and martial arts training, I actually am a fairly passive person.  I do regular mindfulness work and have come to realize many of the things that I used to get mad about were not really worth it.  There were many times I would be mad at something that I had no control over, and all I was doing was losing energy to a worthless cause.  (And losing personal energy while also dealing with an autoimmune disease is a huge issue)

But I still have a solid anger streak, and I can blame my ancestry for that.   When my father gets pissed, he scares people, and it’s the same with me.  If you have hurt my family or done something this despicable, I don’t care who the hell you are…I’ll go toe to toe with you and curse you with my last breath if you have purposefully hurt that which I love.

And today that anger is front and center.  Some piss-ant-piece-of-sludge-that-calls-himself-human decided to hurt people in the name of a God I hold dear.  And if that wasn’t enough, this cockroach went after a group of people already reeling from the way they have been treated across the world – all because they choose to worship and act differently than a so-called Christian/white norm.  And I’m outraged and pissed.

This thing-that-walks does not speak for me.  This rotten piece of flesh doesn’t speak for my Heathen friends, and it damn well doesn’t speak for a majority of the population of Heathens around the world.  I don’t give a flying fuck what this piece of shit thinks is ‘right’ or how many ‘truths’ it thinks it has found in a historical text about my God being exclusive to one supposed ‘race’.  This trash is dead wrong.  And so are all of the other bottom feeders that believe the same thing.  The only thing I see when I look at people who try to persuade others that there is an ‘exclusive’ race is a bunch of people who are upset that their dicks are too short and need to compensate for it.

My Gods are not about being exclusive anything.  My Gods deem you worthy in what you do, how much you learn, how much you grow, and how well you stand on your own two feet.  They aren’t Gods that ‘forgive’ you for doing something wrong.  They ask instead what you are going to do to make things right in the eyes of those you hurt and in the eyes of your tribe and community.  To walk a Heathen path is to consume the real truth of the world…not to exclude but to let others live their lives the way they choose.  To be Heathen is to protect those who cannot speak for themselves and to learn to be whole in spirit.  To be Heathen is to care for those too weak from their own trials until they can stand strong once again to live their own truths.

I do not kneel to my Gods, but I do bow as I would to a sabumnim in honor and respect of what they teach, and I do my damnedest to honor my own truth and principles.

And it is these principles and this anger that speaks now.

This miscreant will never speak for me.  This malefactor will never know the understanding and truth of the Gods.  The wrongdoer has done a deed so hideous that soon it will be time to make up for the pain caused to 49 people, to 49 families, to the local community and country.  There is also the dealings caused against those of us who truly understand what it means to walk a Heathen path in this day and age; those of us who fight day in and day out to show that we are not that which hates others.

May his body rot in Hel, infested in maggots.  May he feel the pain of each and every bite in his rotten flesh to start to atone for the pain that was caused.  May he truly understand his wrongdoing so that his punishment is even more severe in his mind.  And when the Goddess feels he has had enough of the rotting punishment may he be made whole again only to be cut by a dull knife into as many pieces as people he has hurt or has caused to grieve today.

Then let his spirit be given to those who scream for vengeance.

Spring Beckons

The world is in contradiction.
Snow flies, yet the birds sing.
Water cackles, drunk with power.
Now is a time of change.
The melody of your voice reaches my ears.

The sound attracts my attention.
Time for more change, time to move,
Time to breathe free, venture out.
I must leave my entombment.
Crawl into the unknown landscape of devotion.

I have grown too strong here.
Too strong for that which I am housed.
Shall I stay anyway, and scream from the pain?
Pain from keeping my old self together,
For the rest of my days?

Yet, if I go, shall I be quenched of thirst?
Will the well be properly filled?
Or is it my lot in life to shrivel?
To ache in pain and despair of another ordeal?
Are my cries satisfying the needs of those unknown?

My choice is not mine as I reach you.
Again pain is mine as I force myself open.
Feeling the ecstasy and joy of life,
Allowing the tryst to begin.

You see my torment and relish,
Smiling, you reach deep within.
Rare is it that one opens before you.
Coming so far, daring to go further,
As far as one can go in a lifetime.

You aren’t surprised by my action.
As the dance finally begins,
The answer of the heart rings true,
As do the oaths of old.
The only surprise left is where
The exquisite rapture takes us next.

 

Come Back to Battle

It came to me today,
The picture, freshly taunting
Salt to the wound, it was
A known battlefield, always haunting

My eyes filled, my heart ached,
Memories came flooding back.
Of wasted time, wrapped in fear
And battle skills I sorely lacked

Courage had I, heart too
It took everything I had
Just to wear the colors
And hold my sword, armor-clad

Oh to go back to then
Just to try once more
Prove what I say I was
The fighting Lady of that war

Now, body broken, Spirit healing
I stare as the picture speaks
It whispers temptations if I let it
Yet it also taunts with battle shrieks

I grow stronger now, yet cannot tell
What the fates have in store for me
But now I know, I cannot answer the call
For me, Lady fighter I will never again be.

 

 

 

Photo from Deviant art

Spiritual and Sexual Snobbery

One of my friends posted this regarding the information collection she is doing regarding Godspouses and Godspouse practices. She is a sexologist by trade and thought it may be interesting to put out an informal survey. As expected, she has received a nasty answer, but her comments about said answer are very good things to think about.

I’d love to hear more thoughts on these ideas; either Godspousing in general or about being tolerant in the pagan community.

LadyOfTheLake

People take umbrage at the most ridiculous things these days. Last night I was weeding out the incomplete responses to my Neopagan Spectrosexual and God Spousery survey–since I need 100 surveys with all ten questions answered–when I stumbled across one person’s irate offering.

“I don’t consider myself neopagan” was the first sniffy salvo.

Okaaay…I’m thinking, sure not everyone can relate to the label, but it was the best umbrella term I could use. Otherwise I’d have had to put in a whole laundrylist of super-specific traditions: Wiccan with a twist, Heathen but also into crystals, hedge-witch-but-only-with-roses, corporate shamanism… and I would have left out a category and someone would have been offended. Umbrage, you know.

But I was prepared to be patient.

Then the respondent included their fairly specific list of magical lineages and explorations.

Cool. That’s the kind of information I’m seeking. So far so good…

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The Tempering

Fear in the heart
My Legs weak
The threatening dark
sensing my defeat

Surrounding whispers
Heart of pain
Stomach clenching
My tears like rain

Screaming, near defeat,
But strength still flows
This won’t take me
Truth lives in my bones

Once more, I stand
Though weak, I fight
The tempering  continues
Spirit burns bright.