I thought my last post about the gifts would be enough of me opening myself up for the day. Apparently not. I guess it’s time for me to look into another area that scares the hell out of me, and that is starting to publicize the new (yet old) relationship I have with Loki.
Loki is a God that has scared the hell out of me for many years. Seriously. I even refused to say his name out loud or even think his name in my head. I was always afraid of invoking him by accident (oh, I heard my name called, I think I’m going to screw with you today!).
Don’t laugh, that’s what I really thought.
In my mind, a God like him didn’t make sense. Why in the heck would anyone want to pray to a trickster God whose sole purpose is to screw with you? It felt like the energy he brought was something that was dark, and only something that should be handled in very low doses like it was radioactive. Yeah, I fully understood back then that balance is key, and in my mind Loki was a necessary evil, but to fully revel in it as someone worshipping under Loki felt like it was very unbalanced.
Looking back, I realize now that there seemed to always be this ‘dance’ between him and I. For crying out loud, he was considered a patron god of a coven that I was with for several years and learned a significant amount in. I worked a great deal with laughter in gathering energy and in circle, and yet I just never saw the connection. Or I ignored it.
Flash forward to the night I was kept up by him whispering things in my head. With the mindset I had of fearing him, you can bet I was freaked out when that started to happen. What would happen to my life? What would happen to the semblance of practice I had going for me at the time? How badly was he going to uproot my existence? I went into full panic mode. Here was a God making himself known to me stronger than any Diety had ever done before, and it was the Trickster, known for pulling the rug out from under people in unexpected ways.
All of this course happened immediately after Marvel makes a new image of him by a hot actor. It seemed like overnight, the term “Lokian” became mainstream pagan. I understand there are people who worship that aspect of him. But for me, I didn’t want to be associated with it. In fact I’d rather be as far from it as possible, a fact that Loki as I know him finds largely amusing. I just cannot wrap my brain around wanting to include a comic book aspect in my serious, religious practice, especially one that feels so biased. To me it just screams fluffy-bunny, new age/wannabe rebel. Even watching those movies now bothers the heck out of me (and is again something that amuses him to no end).
So after several drama filled days of deep thought, discussion with my husband and with some trusted friends, I have accepted working with Loki. And immediately after my life did change, but for the better.
Now that I have gotten my history out of the way, I want to speak to what I feel he has done. Loki is someone that makes you stare deep within yourself. He puts a mirror up to your soul and forces you to see the things that which you do not want to see. It doesn’t matter what aspect you are holding baggage in, he will force you to deal with it. He already has taken me to task about many parts of my life that I held negativity in. And if you are ready to let things go, the transformation is like a baptism of fire.
Loki is serious and stern taskmaster. He however does expect you to stand up to him when you feel things are going too far. It all goes to the task of making you stronger and more willing to take care of yourself. In turn, his devotion to you can be just as strong. He just is not the type to show it, or if he does, it is not in a way that is expected.
I have to admit my journey with him has just started, but I don’t want things any other way. He has helped me to become comfortable in my own skin I think for the first time in my life.
The acceptance of the oath I have made is not permanent. This whole thing is a trial, a stipulation I asked for when he first made himself known to me. I cannot tell you that it will always work out so beautifully, but I can tell you that my whole opinion toward him has changed. Now I will always be grateful that he has called me to dance with him through the fire, no matter how long this lasts.