I’m putting this out slightly under duress, but perhaps it’s time it comes out.
I’ve said I have an oath to Loki, and I do. But the type of oath I have is one that in the past people have scoffed at, especially with the Marvel Loki being Tom Hiddleston, who is absolutely very easy on the eyes. I of course am talking about the oath of a Godspouse.
Pagans who don’t believe in Godspouses are going to scoff and claim it has something to do with either with a person not being mentally there, wanting attention in some way, kidding themselves, trying to feel more important than they are..and lots of other reasons. Especially when it comes to Loki. When the Marvel Loki first hit the silver screen there was a litany of love for him from many a young lady. And that litany was full of fights between ‘spouses’…”He likes me better” and other youngling nonsense. And frankly hearing all about this craziness is just what helped me push all of this under the rug as long as I have.
Pagans who believe Godspouse relationships happen often point to the belief that a Christian nun is “married to Christ.” or that Christ is their ‘bridegroom’. I don’t remember the actual quotes from the bible right now to get more specific than that, but I do know they are there. Pagans who believe in that type of relationship have also pointed to other cultures and oracles in the ancient time as well as the writings from that time to prove a spousal relationship is true. And I don’t doubt the writings are there. For me however, I simply decided that if it worked as a relationship for someone else to have with deity, then that was what worked for them and I really didn’t have a right to say either way. I didn’t understand it, but perhaps I wasn’t meant to.
And once I made up my mind about whether or not a Godspouse relationship was ‘real’ or not, it happened. A candle to Sigyn, the first one I had lit in many years in tribute to a Goddess for helping me through the fibromyalgia was put on my house altar. And it was left to burn the entire night. Loki took that as the open door. And he showed up in my dreams that night. And the next night. And the next night. And every time he showed up, I forced myself to wake up. Because I didn’t want him around.
My husband thought I was sick as I barely had any sleep those first few days. Until I told him what was going on.
After lots of talking, and lots of discussion and the figuring out of issues, I oathed to him as a mentor/teacher. The work I did in that relationship with him was very interesting, and it helped me tremendously. A year later after the mentor relationship was almost up, he said he wanted more. And the Godspouse relationship was discussed…and discussed…and discussed…and finally taken.
I didn’t tell anyone about it back then. Actually I only started talking about it openly a couple of months ago. But now that it’s come up more than once in discussions on chat boards, I figured it was time to get more information and my stance on it out now. And one of the reasons I’m talking about it now is because of the assumption that everyone almost automatically makes about it.
The Godspouse relationship I have with Loki isn’t about being his ‘bride’ as much as it is being in a relationship with someone who understands who I am. It’s a relationship based on understanding the deep and dark issues that I’ve had to deal with for a very long time. it’s the type of relationship where the couple work through those things together. And the people in that relationship both heal and grow. Now perhaps Loki doesn’t need to ‘grow’ as us humans do, but I still think he gets something out of this.
As anyone who has been married for more than a couple years will tell you, husband and wife relationships are not just about romance and sex. They are also very much about talking and about getting things out in the open. In a healthy marriage, you can talk to your spouse about everything. And you must constantly adjust to new mannerisms, new issues, and new unexpected things popping up. This is a person that you are living with 24/7. You get to see them at their worst, you get to see them at their best, and you get to see them in everything in between.
My relationship with Loki is very much like this. He has access to every part of me, and because of that I have nothing I can hide. And in return for that access, he has helped me get through some pretty rough things. He has helped to lift barriers that I could not move. He has calmed and taken care of me, and he has made me stand up for myself. He has put me in positions where I had to trust him completely, and he has shown me that I have more control than I think.
So where does the poem come into this?
As it did several years ago when he asked for more, he asks it of me again. And the first step I guess was to write this post and share the poem I wrote a couple weeks ago. So here it is. I hope you enjoy it, and I hope I have made you think about something that is dismissed too easily as nonsense.
I hear you my love
Your call beckons me
What is it you require?
What, darling wench, stirs thee?
Do you not feel me enough?
Do you not feel my touch?
Dare I touch you further?
Take you every time you beckon?
I could, you know
Drive you to madness unknown
Drive your soul from corpeal form
Make you only mine forever
Yet you do not start at that
A price you ‘ve paid before
You know my madness
And revel in it
What do you ask of me?
What do you require?
More lessons, perhaps,
Learn to play in the fire?
No more lessons have I to teach
Your spirit is as whole as it shall be
Your strength now must be grown
Knowledge the reward for the persistent
Do not fear my love
My madness shall be your comfort
My chaos shall ease your stress
I am here, I will not leave my prize now
You may not feel my presence
You may not heed the heat of my desire
But I am just a breath away
You are and always will be connected
Remember these things.
Remember my touch
You will do well in your endeavors
I shall simply watch and enjoy