Poem:  I Am

I finished writing this poem today and present it here for thoughts.  I am quite fond of it, although some people have read it and been uncomfortable with its expressions.

The poem speaks to my life.  I am coming to the end of a significant amount of Shadow work, and this is a celebration of that.  I have reclaimed and am healing shards of my soul, embraced many of my issues and wrestled with personal demons.  I feel like now I come from a place of power that was meant for me, if only I dared to come this far.

Perhaps that is why this poem makes people so uncomfortable.

 

 

I Am

I am the uncomfortable silence,
I am the calm before the storm.
A friend may partake in my peace
While the foe shall hear no alarm.

I am sister-wife of The Mad,
I am the daughter of Gangleri.
A friend shall enjoy my aid,
While the foe fearful of my company.

I am she who rests in nightmares,
I dance where others dare creep.
Do not think that I am defenseless
Attack me, and pain you shall reap

Is there still a question of my loyalty?
Do I still belong in the house I dwell?
Oh I assure you, the wolf within is quite content,
Yet ever willing to come out of my shell

Issues with A Broken Religion

Pandora really pisses me off sometimes.

I started building a new radio station to listen to at work based on one of my favorite bands, Breaking Benjamin.  I’ve been in a bit of a melancholy mood for a while now so it fit to create a station around them.  (For those that don’t know, the lead singer of Breaking Benjamin has been pretty public about his personal issues with anxiety and phobias, and to me you can feel that in his music.  You can also feel the strength he uses to fight those illnesses, and that is what appeals right now.  Times are tough, and we can be upset, but we also have strength in spades to get through).

So everything is going pretty well, and of course, as Pandora is designed to do, new music pops up.  And it’s from the band Skillet.  This is a band I wrote about awhile back.  They are Christian, and don’t shy away from speaking about that.  In fact, the reason they are still together is because one of their pastors counseled them to keep pushing forward and continue to speak about the “Glory of God”.   In other words, keep that recruiting up!  We need the revenue! (Yes, I’m aware my bias is showing here).

So that song got the Pandora thumbs down.

Then Ashes Remain came on.  Again, another Christian Rock band.  I looked them up, and they are too much like Skillet for my tastes.  So another thumbs down logged.  After the third Christian band popped up, I just decided to start looking up a list of “Christian” rock bands.  I found out there are quite a few.  The Color Morale, Red, Beartooth, Thousand Foot Krutch and many others I listen to identify as Christian.  And that really bothers me.

So my choices now were that I’m going to have to either keep logging thumbs down on songs a lot more than I thought, or I’m just going to have to accept that there are a lot of Christian bands out there and pick and choose what I like.  And if I just listen to them anyway, I get to do this despite the fact that I feel like most of these bands are out there specifically to recruit people to a religion broken by the people who identify with it.

Believe it or not, this is a pretty hard decision for me.  I’ve done my best to steer clear of Christianity for many years.  Christians can go live over there, and I’m here in my own belief system that suits me just fine.  And occasionally, on my own terms, I’ll seek out those that I know don’t ‘recruit’ and see what they have to say.  Speak to me about learning to become a better person, helping the planet or helping others gain their basic human rights and we will have things in common.  Talk to me about how my religion is somehow wrong or beneath yours, and the conversation will very quickly be over.

However, times are changing, and perhaps the mix that Pandora chose for me is just a catalyst for the realization that I have more lessons to learn.  Sooner or later, I’m going to have to accept that those of the Christian faith who look at me differently are integrated around me more than I feel comfortable about.  Right now I just keep that out of my mind.  However, perhaps that habit is a negative response, especially because of the amount of anger that comes up when I think about it.  And sooner or later, I’m going to have to deal with that anger; the real reason my bias exists.

So here is the crux of the matter: I have more issues with the Christian religion than I thought.  And now, I’m going to have to get off my gluteus maximus and figure out what those issues are and deal with them.

I talked about the fear of God syndrome once before.  And I thought that once I wrote that post, that I had dealt with my issues regarding Christianity, and that was that.  I thought I was doing a good job separating the religion from the people.  Because honestly, the religion itself isn’t THAT bad.  Love one another.  Judge not lest ye be judged.  Be still and know that I am God.  Let him without sin cast the first stone.  All of these things have profound meanings.  And they are meanings that transcend the Christian religion.  To me, it’s the PEOPLE who claim to be Christian that cause 90% of the problems with that religion, maybe even more.

I don’t need to go far to come up with excellent examples.  Look at those who are against abortion.  Sure, they are pro-life while the child is in the womb, but the minute the child is born there will be very little support it if the child was born outside of a strong family unit.  Look at the prosperity gospel and how many people who have given up their entire life savings hoping for a miracle.  Finally, and what angers me the most, is the issues in the current situation.  I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard ‘Christians’, in the current political climate argue against verses from the book that they claim to follow.  “Oh, that verse is just hyperbole.  Verses like that are throughout the entire bible.”  Or, “Sure, it says turn the other cheek, but at the same time, Jesus wouldn’t want me to stand by and watch as my family gets robbed and killed.”  Plainly put, these people will twist things to match what they want to believe, and they don’t give a shit about the true meaning of that religious text.

Perhaps I’m tired of seeing how people twist religion to make it fit what it is they want to do.  It’s the same with the racism in Heathenism.  There are interpretations of many religions that inflict more harm than they do good, and when that happens, there is something seriously wrong with the people that profess to be following that religion.  Perhaps it wasn’t the case in older times, but in the current age I firmly believe that religion is meant to help us understand the world around us and how we fit in with that world.  I firmly believe that the times where religion divided us should be over.  We have evolved further than that.

But unfortunately, power over people is still something that is strived for by many.  And religion is a tool that has been used for thousands of years to do just that; get power over people.  And for the most part, people are programmed to accept that when it comes to religion, you are expected to relinquish your power to get anywhere.  And thus you have the strife and conflict that we see today.  And that leads me back to my current dilemma.

But at least now I can speak to the issue more clearly.

I am pretty damn angry at people within the Christian churches.  I’m angry at how they failed me in my upbringing, how they didn’t answer my questions and how they forced me to follow along in a religion even though I felt so very different in my soul.  I’m angry at the strife they caused me and so many other people like me that felt different.  I’m angry that they made us feel like outsiders unless we conformed.  I’m very angry they caused us to be afraid of the very Gods that were there to help us the entire time.  And I am mad as hell that I have to deal with all of the leftovers of this upbringing.  I get to deal with all of the confusion and pain as to why I can’t understand or fit with the people who call themselves Christian.  I get to deal with them time and time again telling me that I still am wrong and that I need to ‘get with the program’ in order to save my soul.   I get to deal with the embedded ‘fear of God’s wrath’ if I dare try to be myself.  I get to deal with how I felt back then because I dared ask questions that people couldn’t answer.  And last but not least, I get to learn over and over again how to be a survivor in a country that claims to be Christian, yet refuses to treat people the way their own Jesus said to.

And I’m allowed to be mad.  I’m allowed to be mad as hell.  I’m allowed to be so mad that I can spit nails anytime anyone asks me if “I’ve found Jesus” yet.  Yeah, I found him, and he’s over in the Middle East doing what he can for the refugees that are dying.  And now that you mention it, I saw him the other day in your church, bent over the altar weeping at those using his house for their own personal gain.

Obviously I’m showing my anger.  I’m trying to get it out; to get a name to it.  I need to identify and deal with it.  I need to deal with it because of people like John Pavlovitz, Rob Bell, Michael Beckwith, Revered Ed Bacon and many others.  Although these people are only a few of the vast number of Christians out there, they believe differently.  They believe like me; that God is large enough to be involved in many different religions.  They believe we are stronger if we support and take care of each other, no matter what religion you profess.  And their beliefs contain the possibilities of what Christianity could become.  So there is hope.  Further, and thanks to the current political climate,  I’m reminded that I, someone who is in a religion in the minority, needs to learn to work with others who are in the minority.  Get enough of us together and we will become the majority, forcing change throughout the country.

Even if it is for that last reason alone, I need to deal with this anger.

I’m not sure where this thinking is going to lead me.  I hope it’s someplace positive.  I don’t want to dismiss good people trying to do what is right.  And I know the people I mentioned above are trying to do just that.  But the tenant of my faith says that I must work on myself; that I must overcome my own shortcomings and strive to be a better person.  This is what it means to me when I say I stand with my Gods.

So I guess because of my faith, my religion, I need to figure out a way to be more accepting to those that truly profess theirs.  But that doesn’t mean I’m going to feel bad for not listening to Skillet and bands like them that profess the current status quo of this currently broken religion.

 

Photo from Deviant Art

Speechless

It’s been almost a month since my last post, and almost two months since the world turned upside down here in the United States.

Since then, so many things have gone through  my mind; things I want to write about, things I need to figure out on my own, things I’d love to get other opinions on.

It isn’t because I haven’t TRIED to write, it’s just that the words right now aren’t coming. And I think there is a reason for that.  I don’t think that the changes that we have seen so far in the world are finished.  And this especially goes for myself.

In the next week, I want to do a reading for 2017 and present it here.  The more information we can get about what we are facing this next year I think the better.  For me and may others, 2016 was the year of work; the year of action.  Something tells me that 2017 is going to be the year of facing that which we have hidden; the year of the cleaning out the proverbial skeletons in the closet.  All 2016 did was get us ready for what we must face in 2017.

But that is only speculation at this point.

So I know what my next post will be, we will see if I’m still speechless after that, or if I finally find words to speak about that which I need to get out.

Everyone have a wonderful and safe holiday.

Taking Action

I didn’t want to start writing political posts.  I didn’t want to be a political activist.  For most of my adult life, speaking up when something mattered to me as well as voting in each election was enough.  Most of the rest to me was just noise.  But now in the political and polarized society that is now the United States.   I can’t just be someone who just watches what happens anymore.  Too many people are using this election as the excuse to demean and downright bully their fellow man.  I can’t stand idly by and watch that happen.

My own introverted self would much rather go back to talking about my own self-improvement and my own spiritual exercises.  I would also much rather continue to stretch myself by providing intuitive messages to help others in their own quests for knowledge and improvement.  But that isn’t the world we live in anymore.  And that is something that I become painfully aware of the minute I get on social media and see the news.  We are a nation that is more polarized, angry and full of fear.  And we have to do something about it.

It took me more time than I expected, but I have been figuring out things that I can do to help matters.  I already know my activism will be much different than someone else, and that’s alright.  We all need to be able to help in our own way.  So what my activism is going to look like is below.  I offer it as ideas for others to shape their own.

I don’t care who you voted for anymore. People might not like to hear this, and I understand.  But the truth of the matter is that almost half of the people in this country voted for someone whom almost the other half believes to be immoral in some form or fashion.  Another group voted for someone else whom others feel is immoral.  And another significant portion of this country didn’t vote.  Now we can choose to continue the polarization of the United States by just trying to side with 1/3 to 1/2 of the nation that believes exactly like we do, or we can try to give the benefit of the doubt that some people voted the way they did because they felt like they had no other choice.  Some of the long conversations that I’ve had since the election include those who call themselves republicans, and yet are just as upset as I am at the violence that they see happening.  In those conversations we have acknowledged that violence has happened on both sides of the political spectrum, and that violence against anyone isn’t getting us anywhere.

If someone clearly disrespects someone else based on their creed, race, gender, belief or ethnicity, that is a different story entirely. In that case we know why they voted the way they did and they don’t have my support.  And I will do my best to keep my eyes open to prejudice and do what I can to combat it.   But until someone’s actions tell me otherwise, I’m willing to do what I can to provide support to anyone who needs it.

I will respectfully listen to what you have to say, but you better back it up with credible news sources.  In turn, others need to respectfully listen to me and should I bring up an incident, I better be able to back it up as well.  Media spin is crazy, and it’s keeping us polarized.  Everything is getting spun depending on who it is that is writing the story.  Even this weekend, there is already lots of spin regarding Vice President Elect Mike Pence being ‘bullied’ and ‘called out’ when he went to see the musical Hamilton.  He wasn’t ‘bullied’, as some still believe.  There is a video of the actual situation that is floating out there that I’ve watched, and the most accurate story that I have seen that matches the video is here.  If you won’t be respectful of me, then I have no choice to put you in the group that I spoke about above, and you aren’t worth my time or energy to address.  And in that case, you have probably made up your mind a long time ago, and refuse to think anyone else could be right.

It’s time to be active on what the real issues are. We are going to see lots of memes, hear lots of talking points and discussion on what is said by the elected leaders in the next four years.  But none of that matters until it gets into the actions of the government when they take over January 20.  Even the proposed attorney general needs to have confirmation by the United States Senate, and he didn’t pass a confirmation previously because of his racial comments.  So instead of posting memes and replying to comments, perhaps it’s time to start calling our current and new senate leaders and start voicing our opposition now.  And if that doesn’t work, volunteering or giving money to the ACLU and other civil rights organizations so that they can continue to fight on our behalf are other good ideas.

I’m not saying protesting is a bad idea.  Protesting is utilizing our first amendment rights, and it’s very important.  But we need to have a multi-faceted approach to our political work now.  And where I may not be able to protest, I’m going to at least make the calls and write the letters.

It’s time to be active on a metaphysical level. One of the things that has been very effective in the past is when pagans unite at a specific date and time to send prayers and energy to help overcome a situation.  If we can do that more often, even once a month, it may help to lessen the effects that we have to deal with for the next four years.  So I’m working with some friends in order to figure out how something like that would work.  Perhaps if we start organizing these types of things a week or two in advance, more people can participate.  This would also allow us to focus our energy on what is needed the most at a specific time.  Further, any network that is put together I want to see done on a private level.  That way each person has a choice to promote the event or not, and are not immediately ‘outed’ by joining a certain Facebook or Google+ group.  I will provide more detail as things progress on that front (or comment here if you would like to have that information when it is ready).

 

One thing is clear to me; here in the United States, we will need to fight to keep the things that we have achieved.  We are not going to win on everything, but if we can stick together, we can help lessen the effects of this administration, and perhaps become more united than we are right now.

 

 

 

Feeling Through Things and Taking an Inventory

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Sometimes it seems like even though the path is clear, it still might feel like the right path

Recently I have looked through the posts that I have done on this blog and realized that some of my beliefs have changed since I first wrote them down.  Some of them are because of what other people have written in response.  Others have changed because I realized I feel differently now.

Feelings are hard things to reconcile sometimes.  I think some of the biggest obstacles we see in the Pagan community are due to feelings; Either we aren’t listening to our feelings and focusing too much on what other people say, or we think too much on a subject and try to outmaneuver others with our grasp of the material. Another thing we do is we get angry because someone else ‘dares’ to give themselves a specific label or calls out something they feel is an issue and it ruffles feathers – this I think being the biggest thing we see in the blogging community. The Pagan community, especially in the United States, is so broad and deep that no one person is going to hold sway over the entire belief system of a particular aspect.  We forget that when we feel like we are under attack because someone says we are ‘right wing’ or ‘left wing’ or whatever.  When in actuality, the label is actually fitting a very small group of people

I realized that in past posts I’ve not been as true to how I feel. Instead, I’ve tried to reason my way around what other stances are with my own knowledge of the subject.   I’ve tried to push my voice out there; to either agree or disagree with the argument du jour, and hope that enough people will get behind me and listen. Now however, I understand that the particular strength of debate is not in my wheelhouse, and probably will never be.  And thanks to that realization, I know now that what is most important for me is to look at the material presented, see if it feels right for me, and if it doesn’t, let it go.  I don’t need to form a rebuttal, nor do I need to agree.  Others who feel like it is their place can do that and get into the arguments.

So by not forming my own rebuttals, or putting my own significantly different point of view out there, I fall in with the biggest group of people in the online pagan community; the ones who either feel left out, or stuck in the middle.  They are the ones that can’t get 100% behind what someone else writes down in a post about their particular faith or religion. They also can’t get 100% behind what someone else writes in a rebuttal to the first post.  And since they usually don’t speak up, they then get roped in with the ‘you are not listening’ or the ‘you are ignoring the truth’ crowd, to which isn’t the case either.  One pagan blogger found this out the hard way, when in a comment on his Facebook post he classified the middle ground group as the “I’m going to ignore what you say and do it my own way” group.  He quickly was overrun with people hot under the collar regarding his comment.  He apologized, and said he would try to understand better before classifying one way or the other again.

Those who do not put their path out there for others to see are not lost.  Neither are those who choose not to defend their path when others perceive it under attack.  We watch, we listen, and we take that which is right for us and cast aside that which is not.  And I believe I can speak for many when I say that we have some very strong tools that can help guide us on the paths that we are on.  Our own communication with our Gods and our own instinct can go a long way in helping us figure out where it is that we are supposed to be to do the most good.

I am not a ‘lost soul’ that needs direction from someone else who knows the heathen histories better than I do.  I  am not someone that needs guidance from a human mentor, or teacher to teach me how to be a caretaker for the traditions that have been handed down to me by blood and by lineage.

I know now that I need to ‘feel’ my way through concepts and thoughts.  And I bet that I’m not the only one.  Others who may be feeling lost may need to do the same.  We cannot rely on the current group of published writers and founders of traditions to spoon feed us something that will fit our daily lives.  Yes we can listen to them, but that doesn’t mean we can take everything they say and become that which we are called to be.  It won’t fit.  I know that there are already countless traditions out there, but they will never fit everyone. Countless more are still needed – lineaged, solitary, eclectic, personal gnosis, political or no, it doesn’t matter.  We need to find our own places, and they may be places we have to make our own in some form or fashion.

This blog going forward is going to be making that place for myself.  I want to talk more about Chronic Illness Spirituality.  I want to talk about myself and how I fit into my own beliefs; and how my beliefs have changed from previous posts.  I want to talk about my successes, and I want to talk about my failures.  And perhaps others will comment and help shape what it is I practice.

These words describe things that have been within my heart for a while now.  But I didn’t have the courage to put them out in the open.  I’m hoping that this post will help me gain the courage to keep going.

 

 

 

Darkness

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Today driving into work I could really tell that we are creeping toward the darkest part of the year.  There was no sign of the sun the entire way in, and even now as I sit at my desk I still don’t see any signs of the sun peeping out yet.

I used to think of the dark as a scary place.  Often during this time of the year I suffered with seasonal depression, and struggled to just get simple tasks done.  In those days I would much rather crawl into bed and hide under the covers until yule was over.  Then at least I could recognize the fact that the days would start to get longer, and allow that fact to get me through my daily tasks.  I recognized back then that for me the sun was a guiding force, maybe not metaphysically, but its presence was calming, reassuring and gave me a time frame to go by in order to get tasks done.  But when the days were so short that I ended up waking to darkness, working, and going home in darkness, it was a significant struggle because I didn’t see that guide in my life.

Now however, things have changed.  I recognize that darkness is not something to be feared.  But it is something that is different and must be explored.

We cannot have light without the darkness.  And while darkness brings a time to rest, it also brings a time where we must change our patterns.  The sun serves as a guide to the day, so since we don’t have the sun, we must strive to look within ourselves to find the guidance to carry us through.  Since the darkness also brings cold, we must seek warmth, whether it be the warmth within ourselves, the warmth that comes from being kind or just the warmth of extra blankets on the bed.  Darkness is meant to be a struggle.  It’s meant to be a time where you have to reach deep within your resolve to get through the daily duties of the day.

Darkness is also an excellent time to look within ourselves and let go of the things that no longer serve us.  To continue to carry those things around simply means that you exert more energy.  Why not cast out that which you no longer need?  The thought of changing patterns and recognizing unhealthy truths is scary in itself.  Yet holding onto those things may be stopping you from figuring out what it is you really want, or it may be dragging you down so that you cannot reach the goal that you have for yourself.  At the very least, accepting those pieces of you that you aren’t as comfortable with will go a long way in allowing you to move forward.

For me, this year I am learning to embrace the darkness itself.  I want to learn to live within the darkness just as comfortably as I live within the daylight.  To me, that means I need to recognize I am more human than I allow myself to think I am.  I am not the perfect shape, by any means.  I have what society classifies as ‘negative’ feelings, and I’m allowed to have them.  And I recognize that I need to accept what society may classify as my shortcomings as they are.  And although some of those things may need to change in the future, for now just accepting them as a piece of me is enough.

Photo from Deviant Art