Pain

I awaken in the morning
Try not to move
Or else the pain will start

Finally move, stumble forward
Grimace faced
Pain awakens again

I drive to work and greet the sun
Spasms start now
The pain continues on

I stand up from my desk again
Stop a moment
The spike of pain settles

I continue the work facade
Typing hurts
The pain keeps me company

Day done, I walk out to my Jeep
Pretend I’m fine
Pain in my arms and body

I share my plight with others
Oh, like I have!
NOT. THE. SAME. New pain starts now

I try to claim my old strength
I do too much
The pain makes me bedridden

Another activity missed
I watch them leave
The pain wins again with tears

I think about what I have lost
Black belts, friends, strength
The damned pain continues on

Never understanding, why me
No one asks now
A new pain hurts my heart

Damned if I do, damned if I don’t
I just cannot win
The pain continues its waves

No one understands why I fight
Battles won, battles lost
Pain, my constant companion

I am in my own special war
Must fight, or die
The pain never gives up

Still, I scheme and plot for more
Wanting life back
But the pain never lets go

Setting Things Straight (a.k.a. Why I am supporting TWLOHA)

Even though I have fibromyalgia, IBS and Chronic fatigue, I do my best to keep up the one thing that I’ve been passionate about for years, which is running.  I don’t run very fast anymore, nor very far, but I do my best to get in at least a 5k run once a week.  And to celebrate, I frequently post about those runs on facebook.

These runs are not easy by any stretch of the imagination.  I get the normal challenges when running and on top of that I have pain that runs up and down my body while I’m running for no reason at all. That makes it really tough at times to keep moving.  And on top of that, overdo it by just one quarter mile and a fibromyalgia flare up could stop you from doing anything for days afterword; including the the all-important getting to work.

So I run, and I celebrate my accomplishments when I can (like pictures on the aforementioned facebook) and I also talk about my lows too.  After all, you can’t know how good your high points are without some low points thrown in occasionally.  But I didn’t think that posting about those type of things made me an inspiration.

However a couple weeks ago, a friend of mine messaged me to tell me that I was an inspiration for her.  She said that she follows my up and down running posts, and that I inspired her to do a virtual run herself.  This very wonderful lady has her own issues to deal with.  She recently had knee surgery, and on top of that she is an abuse survivor.  Her abuse was so bad that she’s spent years trying to get herself back on track. So for her to say I am an inspiration was something that was very moving for me.

I felt so honored to be an inspiration for her that I chose to also sign up for this virtual run and run it on the same day as her in solidarity.  I want to celebrate her strength and endurance. Then she told me what virtual run she decided to choose, and that made me realize there was more to this than simply inspiration.

This fine lady is doing a virtual run that supports an organization called “To Write Love On Her Arms” (TWLOHA).  TWLOHA is an organization that works to prevent and heal people from addiction and help prevent suicide.  I’ve read about this organization and it’s founding years ago, and was very impressed.  It is a Christian organization, but the founders are the Christian-type that have good intentions.  They don’t judge, nor do they try to recruit.  They are simply trying to help their fellow human being.  These are the types of Christians whose messages out to the public are downright whispers compared to the Evangelical Christians that scream from every street corner how bad people are.  And because the Evangelicals are so loud, the Christians who run TWLOHA end up getting grouped in with them, which is unfortunate.

So I signed up for this run, even though the subject matter made me uncomfortable. I’m uncomfortable about it because by choosing to sign up for this run, I’ve brought up pieces of my own life that I haven’t thought about in almost 20 years.  And now that it’s come up again, I’m realizing I have to get some things out in the open.

You see, the only reason that I’m still around is because about 20 years ago, I didn’t swallow enough pills to actually do the job.

Back then, when I felt like there really was nothing any good in this life for me anymore, I downed a bottle of muscle relaxers, a bottle of prescription pain meds and a couple of other prescriptions my roommate at the time had. I didn’t have my stomach pumped, never went to the emergency room, and of course I got no hospitalization nor care with a counselor or a doctor.  But even though I had taken several bottles of pills, somehow I woke up the next morning.  My stomach had felt like it had been ripped apart and it did for weeks afterward, but I was still alive.  To this day I don’t understand how.

I know now that back then I was suffering from major depression, PTSD from a rape that happened a couple months prior and had been dealing with a bunch of other things going on. I also realize now that the major depression was something that I’ve had for a very long time, most likely since I was a child.

There is a reason this is coming out now.  There is a reason why I’m reminded of this organization.  The fact is for the first time in many years I am struggling again, and have been for almost a month.  This run, it’s uncomfortable topic and the organization being helped by it made me realize that this time my struggle is a bit more serious than it has been in the recent past. Maybe not as serious as it was 20 years ago, but serious nonetheless.  And I need to treat this for what it is; a struggle against a deep depression that could turn into another major depressive episode should I not start implementing self care and figure out how the hell to get out of it properly.

I need to also remember – It’s not my fault that I can dive into a deep depression – I’m prone to it.  It’s also not my fault I have fibromyalgia.  And I have to acknowledge that fibromyalgia sufferers have higher rates of suicide and adjust my own self care accordingly.  I also have to recognize that fibromyalgia sufferers have many facets of the disease that only a small number of other disorders have to deal with.  Not only do we deal with the pain, we also have to deal with the lack of understanding by doctors, (some don’t even acknowledge it’s a disease in the first place) so-called friends (everyone has pain, yours is no different than mine, in fact mine is probably worse than yours is) and even family (if you just lost weight, or exercised more I’m sure you would have less pain).

On top of all that, the past month has been a very trying time for me.  I realized that I had more so-called friends in some circles than I did true friends, so for the sake of my self worth and self esteem, I’ve cut those people out of my life.  But doing so also cut out activities that gave me what I thought was a sense of purpose and enjoyment.  Now I realize that much of that purpose and enjoyment was my perception alone.  Much of the circle of friends in actuality did nothing for my well being nor the creation of any lasting friendships. On top of that, very little of the activity associated with the circle did anything to benefit my self esteem or self worth.  Instead, there were many times it was lowered.  So overall it was good that I did the cut, but I still grieve for the things that I thought I had.  And the fallout of this decision isn’t completely over yet either.

So why now?  Why put this all out in the open?  Because I need to.  I need to recognize the seriousness of the situation now as well as acknowledge what happened in the past. Because hopefully someone else might read this and also realize that there are sicknesses out there that don’t have anything to do with a diagnosis by a blood test, or are not sicknesses that are specific and measurable in any way.  Perhaps they will realize that mental health diseases ARE in fact actual sicknesses, and that they perhaps are prone to them as well. Perhaps they may just realize they need help.  Or, maybe they had never heard of TWLOHA and might stop over to their page to see what it’s all about and toss them a contribution or two for the good work that they do.

This is also another reminder to me of how we are in the care of the Gods, Goddesses and other spirits.  While some may call it coincidence that this friend contacted me with this particular run for this particular group, it means more than that to me. Because while I do believe we have free will, we also have those that look out for us. And those that look out for us and our wellbeing could either be on this planet with us or in other planes of existence and visit us from time to time.

No matter whether it is coincidence or fate, these are the reasons I needed to come out with this post.  I needed to acknowledge my past. I need to acknowledge where I am at now, and I need to recognize that I can easily fall into a situation that I need help to get out of. Now perhaps I can move forward a little easier.

And come April 14, I will be able to run for an organization that helps people who are so sick that they don’t even recognize how sick they are until they get better.

For more information on TWHOLA, you can go to their website.

The Fight

It comes when least expected
It doesn’t care who you are
It doesn’t care what you do

My  battle came last night
The pain awakening me from my sleep
Wave after wave hit me telling me battle was near

Begrudenly I swallowed the pill, the armor
And another, my sword
And finally, my shield

I laid back down
And set my mind to the task
The night became long, but it was fought to a draw

So now I write of my struggle
Today I write of my pain
To tell others they are not alone

I did not win this battle, but I will win others
And as I wait for my next fight,
I lend my voice

You do not fight alone
As I knew last night in my heart
We may not know each other, but we are joined in one cause

We fight for our movement
We fight for our minds
We fight for our peace

We fight to be free

Energy work with Chronic Illness: A Needed Mindset

While trying to think about how to document some of the metaphysical exercises that I use when I am flaring or dealing with chronic fatigue, I have recognized there is going to be a lot more to it than just giving out what it is that I do.  Magic / energy work / whatever you want to call it takes a needed mindset.  You first learn this mindset as you start to do ceremony and ritual.

As many of us also know, having a chronic illness is also something that needs its own mindset.  You need to figure out an entirely new way of living with a chronic illness, complete with quite a few ‘dos’ and ‘don’ts’.

Throw magic into the mix, and you have to have an entirely new mindset.

Why you might ask?  Because with a chronic illness you have a limited amount of energy to work with in the first place.  Therefore you want to be as effective as possible.   You need to recognize the fact that energy works differently in your body now so part of this mindset is going to be coming to terms with that.   Finally, a new mindset can help stop you from don’t hurting yourself and having more problems with the chronic illness.

So here are a few things I keep in mind when I do my own work.

 

#1 – You did not cause yourself to have this illness

This is a hard one for many people to realize, but it is very important to do so if you want to move forward in any shape or fashion, not just in magic.  Many people place the blame on themselves for their illness.  Then that belief gets reinforced with the realization of every activity that they can no longer do.  It happens to everyone, and is something that has to constantly be remembered again and again.  Just this past weekend I apologized to my husband for postponing our date night for the third time in a row because of a pain flare up.  He had to remind me it is not my fault.

When you start to allow yourself to believe that this illness is your fault you are beating yourself up.  You are telling yourself that you are not worthy of being a strong individual.  You are also telling yourself you are not worthy of anything.  The more the belief is reinforced, the more negative energy builds up, and the worse the illness gets.  And for a pagan trying to do any type of ceremony, ritual or spell work, being in a situation where you are carrying negative energy that is being reinforced by your belief will not make you effective at doing much of anything energy-wise.

So the first thing I bet some people would say to that is, “Well, how do you know?  How do you know I didn’t do this to myself?  You don’t know me!”  You are right, but I do know the world we live in.  And I know of the high levels of stress we put on our bodies just to do mundane tasks that society requires of us.  And I know the environment we live in is filled with toxins, heavy metals, allergies and intolerance that our bodies never had to deal with before.  And I know the food we eat is rich with genetically modified crap that is unlike anything our body has ever encountered before.  And I know if you are like me, you don’t have the resources to fix all of these problems.  In the book “The Thyroid Cure”, Author Michelle Corey speaks to a lot of these issues causing her problems.  In fact, Michelle was only able to cure herself of chronic illness was by moving to the warm desert west of the United States, having a new home built with only organic and earth-conscious materials, eating only organic non GMO food, doing a lot of yoga and building her life around having adequate rest and low amounts of stress.

Fibromyalgia and many other conditions are caused not by one individual cause, but any number of issues stacked on top of each other.  Try to remember that the next time you think of blaming yourself.

 

#2 – Consider that you might be hyper sensitive, empathic or a mixture of both

Have you ever gone into a room and could tell immediately that there had just been a fight in the room, whether or not the participants of that fight were still there?  Can you feel other people’s emotions even though they may not be telling you what they feel?  These are the types of things that people who are empathic and/or hyper sensitive have to deal with.

Empaths can sense other people’s emotions, while hyper sensitive individuals may actually feel that emotion themselves.  I am lucky enough to be both, and I say ‘lucky’ only after many years of trying to understand the phenomenon and learning how to work with it.

Empaths have a hard time wanting to help others.  They feel something is wrong, they want to help, but many times they don’t know how or what to do to help.  So they start feeling the same way, in an effort to alleviate the initial person’s problem, or ‘share the burden’, so to speak.  This causes their own body to react like the problem was theirs, and not the person they are trying to help.  Their stress levels rise, they feel down and they burn more energy trying to feel better.   Encounter enough people that have problems, and  you end up trying to help more and more people by taking on the emotion they are feeling.  You can bet that is going to wear someone down very quickly.  Stay that way for days on end, and more severe illness is not far away.

Hyper sensitivity means that your body is wired differently than others.  When a hyper sensitive person feels emotion – they FEEL it, I mean feel it deeply and intensely.  Hyper sensitive people may have allergies or intolerances, or be able to smell or hear better than others.  They may be like me, someone who has a hard time with reading fiction or watching TV because I get so connected with the story that it affects me deeply.   Hyper sensitive people cry more easily, and many times we get anxious very easily as well.  (In full disclosure, that’s one reason why it’s taken me so long to write this information down; the ‘what if’s’ that keep bothering me about being one of the first to equate all of this from a metaphysical perspective.)  For more information, or to see more examples of hypersensitivity, Psychology Today had an article on the subject.  Also an article appeared on Huffington Post.

Another thing about hyper sensitivity that isn’t talked about in the media is what it does to your energy work.  To a highly sensitive person, subtle energies are easier to feel, and small differences in energy are detectable as well.  I frequently use this sense in the grocery store when looking at what food to purchase.  ‘Seeing’ the energy surrounding the food ensures I’m getting something that I know will be compatible with my husband and I.  I’m also able to detect the energy around my animals to help catch illness, as frequently animals will try to hide those issues.

 

#3.  If you don’t think you were hyper sensitive before, if you have chronic pain and/or chronic fatigue, you are hyper sensitive now.

When you have a flare up of fatigue or pain, no matter what illness caused it, there is a buildup of energy in your body where the pain is.  That energy could be in the muscles causing it to spasm,or  it could be in the nerves, causing them to fire uncontrollably.  The energy could be in the bones, making them feel they are about to break, or it could be a host of other areas causing many different sensations.  This is a significant overload of energy, and your body doesn’t know what to do with it.  That surplus overloads any type of automatic grounding that you have in place, and it also means any additional energy (even something like Reiki or other healing energy!) coming into you will just cause more pain.

After the flare up, your body will become more sensitive to energy.   This is very much like how a sunburn feels when it is exposed to a heat source.  Even the slightest amount of heat will hurt.  However, unlike the sunburn finally healing, I have found that the hypersensitivity doesn’t go away.  Instead, it sticks around.  In some cases I guess you could almost call it a gift from the Gods for dealing with the chronic pain and fatigue.

The good news about that gift is that because you become more sensitive, you need less effort to do some of the metaphysical things you used to.  The bad news is that if you are in high energy situations, albeit physical altercations, tense meetings or business dealings at work, or are just raising a cone of power in a group ceremony or ritual you are going to need extra time to ground and rest afterward.

There is more I want to share, but for now I’d like to get some feedback on these points.

Thanks so much for reading.

Photo above  by Deviant Art