Hearing the Voices, Seeing the Spirit, Feeling the Heart

mansfield reformatory
Never open your gifts in a spooky prison.

One of my old teachers calls metaphysical gifts blessings and curses.  I tend to agree, especially when it comes to hearing, seeing and feeling things that others cannot.

I’ve known that I’ve had these gifts since I was a child.  I would always have experiences that others didn’t.  However it wasn’t until my college years that I actually understood what was happening, why, and how to control them.

I seem to have three distinct gifts when it comes to seeing, hearing and feeling things.  The first is mediumship.  It’s not one I am particularly fond of, and thus is one I try to use rarely.  Most of the time I effectivity shield myself from things, but there are those times where it comes through the shields whether or not I want it to.  Those times are usually when someone around me has passed on in some way.

Depending on the case and the circumstances, I can also at times see the spirits of the dead.  For example, one time an associate that I worked with had a heart attack in our office.  The first responders started working on him until the paramedics arrived, and then they continued.  Fifteen minutes into the paramedics work I could have told them that it wasn’t going to help because I watched the associate ‘stand up’, look at me, wave, and walk away.  He indeed passed away that day.  That was a very trying time for me.  I mean, what could I have done – looked at the medics and tell them “ah, you can stop now, he just started crossing over…”?

One thing to never do if you have this gift NEVER drop shields in an area that is considered haunted unless you want lots of input from the area around you.  I was stupid enough to do so in a haunted prison during a nightly ghost hunt.  The resulting headache lasted for days.

The second gift is hearing the Gods and spirits of this earth.  I am told that there is a term for this in some traditions called a “Godphone”.  From the research I’ve done on the web about the origins and use of this term, it seems pretty controversial.  The origins, as I see it, was from looking at an older phone/landline and discussing how some people have a gift of that type of line to divinity.  The thing is, sometimes you get busy signals, sometimes calls don’t go through, or you have bad reception.  The whole analogy does fit, although I don’t know if I really like the term.

It works for me sort of like this – when it comes to hearing from spirits, Gods, Goddesses and the like, it’s really all up to them.  I don’t get much of a say.  Sometimes they are in my head until I do or say whatever it is that they need, sometimes I can put my foot down and tell them not right now, and if they so choose to heed me, I am allowed a break.  However lately, I’ve been welcoming this more in my life.  It helps to have guidance, especially on these new endeavors that I have been attempting.

Finally, I put the gift of empathy in under hearing, but this is also a gift of feeling.  And again, this is a gift that I have known I have had for a very long time.  I also recognize that there is an ancestral tone to this gift.  My niece and sister also have the gift.  My sister chooses not to handle it in a metaphysical way, however my niece, her daughter, is having all sorts of fits with it, and I try to help her when I can.

The big negative with empathy is that you can easily mirror the malady that you are feeling.  If someone is angry, you feel afraid.  If someone is hurt, you feel the hurt.  If someone is having an anxiety attack, then guess what you could have.  You have to have a strong sense of self in order to properly work with this gift.

All of these gifts are significant, and I am happy to have them, but learning to work with them has been a significant amount of trial and error, doubt, fear and strife.  There is also a lot of doubt that goes into these.  That’s where validation from others and teaching can help.  I was lucky to find metaphysical teachers in my college years that had the same gifts as I did, and thus I received training from them in how to use these.  But even with that training I found that my doubt clouded my judgement, which meant I didn’t use these gifts to my (and the Gods) full advantage. I think that’s one thing this post is about actually.  Twenty five years a pagan and this is the first time I’ve ever come out publically and said “Hey, this is everything I got.” I think it’s part of the shaking of the bones that I talked about in my last post.  This is who I am.  It’s time I embrace it, put it out there, and fully accept everything about it.

November and the Shaking of the Bones

IMG_0667I take a break from my day job by taking a daily walk around the area near my work.  Normally, the stroll involves a dead end street that has very few businesses and lots of trees.

As fall hits the Midwest,  I have been struck by how much the trees have changed after the falling of the leaves.  The trunks of some of these trees seem like they have become whiter as the days grow colder.  That whitening very much reminds me of the process of bones being whitened by their exposure.

The analogy fits for the time of the year.  The celebration of death and the harvest has come and gone.  Now we are catching our breath and be still before the rush of holiday mundanity hits us between Thanksgiving and New Year’s day.

The vision of those whitening trees awoke in me another realization.  It takes stillness to start the transformation into something new.  Stillness allows you to look within yourself and listen for the voice that gives you direction to move forward in a new way.  We must make time for that stillness in order to understand what our next steps in this life are in preparation for the new beginnings of Yule.

This is so very true for me in this moment.  I recognize the need to be still and let my own bones picked clean of things that I no longer need in my life.  I need to recognize the fact that I am enough.  I don’t need the baggage I have carried around for years in order to move forward spiritually anymore.  I am OK to be who it is I am; no gimmicks, no self-imposed guilt, no Ego.  Just me, myself and I standing in the dark, ready to accept what is in store.

It’s harder than it sounds; I felt like I have pushed myself to have control for a significant portion of my life.  Now in many aspects of my life I am no longer in control, and I have had to learn to be OK with it.  Further, the only way to really be true to what it is I am and what I am to do is to recognize that I don’t need to be in control of what is happening.  I just need to learn to trust myself and my strengths in order to get through this time within my life.

When I started this new path, I was told that things would be uncomfortable; but that I would never be lead into things I could not handle.  I deeply trust in that.  I am being asked to be still and look into that which I am frightened of during this dark time of the year.  I will do my best to do just that.




Learning what it is I am, and what I am not

The beginning of a new part of the Journey

I have had a very on again/off again relationship to divinity.  As a Wiccan I held the belief that all named Gods and Goddesses were facets of one source of divinity.  Those names were created throughout the ages to allow humans to interact with them as they needed.  In more modern times, an aspect of divinity was called upon to intercede when necessary regarding specific problems and needs.  And while in Wicca the thought of a Patron God and Goddess did come up, it felt right for me to only call them by generic names.

Later on in my pagan journey I changed my theory some.  My rationale was simple; why focus on one facet of a crystal when you hold the entire crystal in your hand?  Thus, I started to change aspects of my energy work and spirituality to focus on the entire source of divinity.  And while I recognized that as a human I could not comprehend the vastness, complete power nor the understanding that the source of divinity entails, I did my best to be a vehicle for that source on this planet.

Some think that working with such a high level of energy all of the time that it would eventually burn you out.  And while I understand the theory I never had the problem.  I am of the opinion that if this source is all knowing and all powerful, it already understands how much you can handle and thus will not go beyond sending that amount of energy to you.  In fact, I didn’t have any problems with this until more recently, when found I had somehow caught the attention of a certain Norse Trickster God.

Loki made his presence known by not letting me sleep for several nights.  He was constantly in my head, not allowing me to do much of anything else but to think of him.  Therefore, after some soul searching, conversation with my husband and with a trusted friend who followed Norse tradition more closely, I starting really listening.  Finally, I realized how he and his aspect fits into my life, and how he was the ‘yang’ to the ‘yin’ source energy I had been working with for so long.  .He is the missing piece to my balance.

Once I started working with Loki more deeply, I realized there were other things that I was missing.  I am more in tune with the seasons and the spirits of the land than I ever have been.   Many of my gifts have reopened to me, and find myself doing more spell work again and reframing other beliefs that I thought were settled.  In many ways these things are new to me, but in other ways I finally feel myself coming home.  This is exciting, but scares the hell out of me all at once.

I know many people might look at this story and immediately think what I am doing in terms that fall under polytheist or Northern Tradition, but I am not labeling it.  I am who I am, and I am allowing this to grow organically.   No one should rush into a relationship with any God or Goddess unless they understand what it is they are getting into.  And while I understand some of this, it will take more time to understand the true nature of what it is that he asks of me.

This blog is another aspect that has evolved out of my relationship.  I know a lot about Wicca and many other aspects of paganism.  What I find I am not aware of are the newer concepts and labels used in the pagan community.   In that regard I find I am like a senior citizen trying to learn how to use a computer for the first time.  That is why I am here now; learning to empty some of what I know out of the full cup in order to gain new understanding of what it is I am being asked to do.

I welcome comments, suggestions and thoughts